After Dark: The Lies About Orgasms and Why You Shouldn’t Fake Them
THE LIES ABOUT ORGASMS AND WHY YOU SHOULDN’T FAKE THEM
When you go on the internet today and try to find facts about orgasms, the first thing you’ll see is some statistic that tells you 75% of women do not, cannot or have not attained orgasms. Usually, they would say “according to a recent study”. But nobody seems to tell you who did that particular study or gives you a link to the researcher’s webpage. There is nothing concrete from any of those websites but only what they have written. It will do you well, ladies, to not believe those stats.
The female orgasm is a multi-faceted thing and it is does not have a general umbrella that fits all when it comes to describing it or how it comes or how it goes. What works for Ms. A might not necessarily work for Mrs. Z. But somehow the orgasm business is big business and book, products and websites are solely dedicated to trying to figure out the modalities.
First of all, let’s start with the most accurate and most recent survey about female orgasms. This is from the Kinsey Institute and it reads thus:
- About 85% of men report that their partner had an orgasm at the most recent sexual event; this compares to the 64% of women who report having had an orgasm at their most recent sexual event. (A difference that is too large to be accounted for by some of the men having had male partners at their most recent event.) (NSSHB, 2010.)
- Men are more likely to orgasm when sex includes vaginal intercourse; women are more likely to orgasm when they engage in a variety of sex acts and when oral sex or vaginal intercourse is included. (NSSHB, 2010.)
- Among ages 18-59, older age for men is associated with lower likelihood of his own orgasm; for women it is associated with a higher likelihood of her own orgasm. Age is not associated with the partner’s orgasm for either men or women. NSSHB, 2010.
- Women are much more likely to be nearly always or always orgasmic when alone than with a partner. However, among women currently in a partnered relationship, 62% say they are very satisfied with the frequency/consistency of orgasm (Davis, Blank, Hung-Yu, & Bonillas, 1996).
- Many women express that their most satisfying sexual experiences entail being connected to someone, rather than solely basing satisfaction on orgasm (Bridges, Lease, & Ellison, 2004).
- 75% of men and 29% of women always have orgasms with their partner (Laumann, Gagnon, Michael, Michaels, 1994).
- About 40% for both men and women said they were extremely pleased physically and extremely emotionally satisfied (Laumann, Gagnon, Michael, Michaels, 1994).
- 25% of men and 14% of women reported that simultaneous orgasm is a must (Janus & Janus, 1993).
- 10% of men and 18% of women reported a preference for oral sex to achieve orgasm (Janus & Janus, 1993).
- It is possible to experience both genital and non-genital orgasm, even for some individuals with spinal cord injuries. (Komisaruk, 2005).
Now, looking at that report, everything you have been told about women and their bodies begins to change. But to make this clearer for you, I will first tell you the most popular lies about orgasms you have probably heard or seen (as the case may be in porn) or even read on so-called sex advice websites.
- All Women Orgasm During Penetrative Sex
You see this in porn, you read it in books, your friends talk to you about it and somehow you believe you must have an orgasm every time you have sex. But my dear, it doesn’t happen that way. Not everyone is wired that way. You might never have an orgasm during penetrative sex and boom! One day it happens. Or you might never have it all but go buckwild when your man touches your clitoris or nipples. Orgasms are brought on by a number of factors which include psychological, physical and emotional. If you can’t orgasm, you have to find out what is blocking you from doing so and work on it.
- An Orgasm Must be Loud and Earth-Shattering.
This is another lie. Women have had silent orgasms and had not even known it. I am one of them sometimes. Such women do not feel orgasms in the sense of having their pelvic floor muscles squeeze up. But they attain a climax which leaves them feeling very tranquil and satisfied; and these are similar feelings other women experience after having vibrational orgasms.
- Lack of Orgasms is the Fault of Your Partner.
Not always true. Yes, a man may be responsible to some extent, but as a woman, your pleasure depends on you. Know your body, know what you want, know what to expect, know what you can give back, communicate with him and be expressive. Sex is about communication. When the T’s are crossed and the I’s dotted, then you’ll be able to own your pleasure.
- If You don’t Have an Orgasm Via Sex, It’s Not an Orgasm
I guess this came from prudes. And no wonder many women don’t explore their bodies to know what works for them. Do yourself a world of favor not to believe people who have no right to touch your body and cannot tell what is good for you. You can orgasm through oral sex, manual manipulations through your hands or sex toys and even through contact. I read a true life account of a woman who would rub her legs together so tight she would orgasm. She got so good at it she could do it anywhere. Of course, this had everything to do with her body and where her clitoris was positioned.
- When You Can’t Orgasm, You are Cold in Bed.
No, dear. You are not cold or frigid. There is something called anorgasmia. It is defined as “a sexual dysfunction in which a person fails to achieve orgasm. In men, the condition is related to ejaculation, premature or delayed.” The reason for this is largely dependent on psychological issues or side-effects of drugs or surgery. Knowing what is causing yours will help you in dealing with your problem.
- A Woman Must Orgasm to Enjoy Sex
Again, thanks to media that showcase screaming girls (who never feel anything) women now think they must orgasm during every intercourse. But it is not always necessary. At certain times of the month for us, we enjoy the warmth and cuddling that sex gives. Other times, we just get tired and want to please our men (and this is not a bad thing). While in certain situations, we are stressed out and may not just get there but need the relaxation that being loved up can give us.
- It’s Bad to Have an Orgasm
Sadly, there are women who would never let themselves go because they feel that if they go all the way during sex, it means they are sinful. Women of faith hold back in their matrimonial beds and give themselves for the pleasure of their men alone and never ask for anything in return. This is quite sad and if you’re in such a position, I’m here to give you hope. You are doing nothing wrong to have an orgasm. It is time you started working towards it or just working towards having a sexually fulfilled life.
- Vibrators Can Take a Man’s Place
I was reading Sally’s Fish Brain Vows the other day and I got laughing where one of her characters suggested to the other who broke up with her guy to use a dildo and the girl replied “is a dildo a man? don’t you know there are other things in man other than his D?” That was a very good question. Sorry, lesbians. A dildo cannot do it all for you. If you’re one of those chicks who feel you are getting the whole package by pleasuring yourself alone all the time, then you’re losing out. Physical contact with a male, the exchange of pheromones and the doses of testosterone you get from a man during foreplay and sex can be responsible to some extent to that big O. Also, who doesn’t want all that muscle on them?
- Quickies Are a Man’s Thing
Says who? Women love quickies too and it is said that the rush of blood and excitement can lead you to having an orgasm. It is not always the case but this has worked for me. Try it sometime.
10. Condoms Can Delay or Even Stop Orgasms
There are ultra-thin condoms out there and even the ones that help in sexual stimulation. But if you feel it makes you dry then don’t joke with foreplay or as my husband would say, FOURPLAY. Make sure you are well lubricated and more than sixty percent aroused before penetration. This will surely help.
11. You Can Catch A Woman Faking It
This is where I laugh because some women are so good you’ll never know. I asked my husband the other day if he thought I had ever faked it and he said no. I shook my head, Men are clueless. (don’t tell him I said so). But it’s not a good thing to put up an act because you are cheating yourself in the long run.
12. Easy, Soft, Gentle Are What A Woman Needs
Ever heard the phrase what a man wants, a woman wants also? Never heard of it? Well, now you have. Sometimes we want it like the romantic movies with the saxophone playing in the background but other times, we want it like porn stars. For some women, the latter has given them orgasms. Get out of your slow grind and get nasty sometime.
Well, that’s all for now!
This article continues next week with the reasons why you might not be having orgasms.
Have a great night! Pray for him as you hold him tight.