Test-The-Terone: Ladies, These Things Destroy Our Egos During Sex. STOPEEET!

It’s a known fact that the average male thinks about sex 19 times a day, this is because we are biologically wired that way, but this doesn’t mean we plan or want to have sex 19 times in a day. Actually, some of us just want to have good sex regularly and idea of regular sex even differs from one man to another. But while having sex, whether regular or not, a man wants to be successful with it, we work in the moment and would not react well to any distraction; because if that happens, things get awkward, we could lose erection and then we feel we have failed in performing our duty.

And most times it all boils down to when our egos are bruised before or during sex, especially during sex. Our egos will banish if we want something that moment and is not given to us right away, our egos will be bruised if our women say or do certain things before or during sex. So I tried to make a list of things you women should stop saying or do before and during sex, or else, no performance oh!

Wait, Is That Gold Circle?

don’t ask this question sister, it will kill us especially when we are about sliding into that juicy place, and that is the time you remember to become an FBI agent by investigating the brand of condom we are wearing. Come on, this investigation could have been done much earlier if need be and what is even the need sef? “Rubber no be rubber?”

Is It In?

I’m not even sure how to drop this one? But hey, a gynecologist said the average length of a vagina is 3 to 4 inches long when not aroused and could be up to 7 inches when fully aroused. Now a brother carrying 6 inches enters you and yet you ask “Is it in?” Come on, don’t do that, or else you will have us start thinking that err…m err…m anyways, just don’t say that.

Wait, My Phone!

This is totally unacceptable, why would you want to pick your phone during sex? Why would you even conceive that idea while we are slamming profusely and sweating seriously? After conceiving the idea, you now have the boldness to say “Please, let me see who is calling me or pinging me” we don’t want you to pick the phone even if it’s the President calling you sweetheart, we just want you to blank every other thing out and give us good sex. Thank you.

Quiet As A Mouse

While we would never condone faking and screaming like you are drowning in the Atlantic, we still would not have you be as quiet as a mouse, or just lie there like a log of wood while we are doing the do, yes! You have to move that body and learn how to vocalize the enjoyment itself; you have to throw in some little dirty talks here and there, it will convince us that we are not just wining our waist in vain and wasting our time. It will let us know that we are doing a good job… or not!

Spit The Gum Out Please

I know a lot of ladies chew gum a lot; I don’t have any opinion on that because I don’t want to start a war I cannot win. But chewing gum while we are at it? For real? That is… that is… anyway; just remove the gum before the show starts at all, it makes us feel like we are bedding someone we picked on Allen Avenue.

The Bed Is Not A Library

The fact that you were reading that fashion and gossip magazine and you didn’t finish that exclusive scandalous story about Genevieve and D’banj before we got into the act, does not mean you should complete it while we are doing it from the back, we want full concentration, you hear me? Full concentration. If you want to read, do that in the library. Capiscé?

Keep The Dildo Away

You don’t know how much it hurts, when after we just finished a mind-numbing, knee-buckling, thigh-quivering first round and we are resting to recharge for the next round, and fiaaaam! You whisk out that dildo because you didn’t reach orgasm. Come on, we know we have an assistant boyfriend that uses battery but sharing you with him in our presence is a big insult, very big one. So, please keep the dildo away, permanently if possible.

You Tried!

For God sake, when we ask you after a mind-blowing sex, “How was that?” we expect responses like, “Wow, you are a horse” “I loved every minute of it” and the likes, if possible we’d like you to pump your fist in the air as you say it. But when you say something as flat as “You tried” with a casual shrug and an flat facial expression, it deflates us and our egos, what we hear when you say “You tried” is “don’t flatter yourself, I didn’t even feel anything” So, please and please, mind your response whenever we ask you that question, and don’t ask me why we always ask you how the sex was; if you wrote exams in school, you would expect to see the result, wouldn’t you? Oh oh!

So guys, if there is anything I forgot to mention, please add it in the comment section, and ladies let me know what you also think and promise me you will not say or do all these things listed above so that you will not bruise your man’s ego. Thank you!

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25 Comments

  1. Kany T. Dahl Reply

    Very funny, I’ll die if any of these ever happen to me. A lady chewing gum during sex is defn8tly an Allen pickup. Tell me ‘I tried’ n I’ll use the door in less than 2 seconds.

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    • Christopher Dele Oyeyemi Reply

      Use the door in less than 2 secs? Haha! No time to check time! Lolz

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      • Kany T. Dahl Reply

        Bro no tym to sit n get a ‘better luck next tym’ after the humilating ‘u tried’. Abi na borehole I go dig?

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        • Christopher Dele Oyeyemi Reply

          Hehehehehe! Bros, U crack me up. Borehole digging ke? Odikwa seriously serious.

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  2. yaaaaay!! Sally thank you for making out time to post this..A very nice read and I’m guilty of a few sef *_*

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    • Christopher Dele Oyeyemi Reply

      Guilty of a few? I hope you will make amends after reading this. Lol

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    • Christopher Dele Oyeyemi Reply

      Guilty of a few? I hope you will make amends after reading this. Lolz

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  3. sunnie Bimbo Reply

    Dat part abt “screaming like u drowing” killed me. Hahahahahah

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    • Christopher Dele Oyeyemi Reply

      Lolz, it’s true na. You need to see some ladies when they fake sexual pleasure.

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  4. Hahahahahahahahaha,d phone pickin is hilarious, I did dat once & it backfired in a good way *winks*, my mum called like 3rice & if I still di dn’t pick,she’ll surely call my sis nxt,so I picked & “dadi” got yiked & slammed into overdrive tinking 2 confuse me & he sure did cos I slurred in answering my mama

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  5. If u try, I go say u try, do u want me to give you 90% when all u’re worth is 20%? No way. It will make you put more effort if I didnt give u d full mark.

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    • Christopher Dele Oyeyemi Reply

      But at least be nice about it. U don’t want us thinking… errrrr….! forgerrit

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  6. Nice and hilarious piece Chris,you had me laughing hysterically especially at the picking of calls and pings during sex…that’s just horrible,lol. Hmm,but come o,why do guys always assume that the women are faking orgasm sef? Thanks Sally for taking out time to post this.

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    • Christopher Dele Oyeyemi Reply

      Thanks Shychic, but we don’t assume women fake orgasm. we know ‘some’ women do. especially when the dude needs to be impressed.

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    • Christopher Dele Oyeyemi Reply

      Peachesgurl….. don’t shout biko. Just do it. *winks*

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  7. Goody Henry Reply

    Thanks very much for the information. Please tell us what affects the female ego (those offences committed by me) I would appreciate. Good work,keep it up

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