The Empty Cot – A Mother Shares Her Heart-Rending Story

To everyone who has lost a child, a pregnancy or had a stillborn, this is for you.

I can’t imagine the pain but I pray you heal. And find the will to smile someday. I remember a woman in my former church who put her baby down on her bed and went to the bathroom to have her bath. She returned to a dead baby and no possible explanation as to why it happened. It was a nightmare.

This was not written by me but by a mother, Jennie who lost her baby due to SIDS (Sudden Infant Death Syndrome). Read more from her HERE

When you have seen a baby dead in a cot

It is hard to put another baby in one

When you have seen your daughter dead in her cot

It is hard to put another of your daughters in one

How am I to look in a cot at a sleeping Bea

And not see a dead Matilda Mae?

It is not the same cot

It is a different one

But I still cannot bear to use it

I cannot even think how to start

The last time I saw Tilda alive

I fed her to sleep

I laid her in her cot

And kissed her goodnight

The next time I saw her she was dead

Laying Bea down in a cot

Is not a small thing to do

It is not an easy thing to do

And I have no idea how to even begin

I have no clue what we should do

When Tilda died

I stored all her belongings in her cot

I used to sit beside it

For hours

Talking to her

Crying for her

Missing her

I could not bear for the cot to be taken down

Beside the cot was a light

The light I turned on

To see her when she died

When I found her

A light I could not bear to switch off

A light that shone

Until I was ready to be the one to turn it off

It took me 18 days

Until the day I tried and failed to say goodbye

I turned her light off on that day

It was 17 months before David and I slept in our room again

Tilda’s room

17 months sleeping on the lounge floor

There is still no cot in that room

A Snuzpod yes

A cot no

How can we have a cot in there again?

David has worked so hard to make our room a peaceful place to be

But it is still the room where our baby died

It is still the room where I found her

How can we have a cot again?

We do have a cot

It is Esther’s old cot

It cradled her safely for over three years

It could do the same for Bea

If I ever do more than stare at it

With Bea safe in my arms

In 10 days time

Bea will be 10 months old

Apart from snippets of naps

In the buggy or car

Some snatched sleep with Daddy

Rainbow Baby Bea

Sleeps in my arms

I eat one handed as her head rests on my left hand

I blog one handed

I do everything with my giant little baby

In my arms

And though it is good for my head and my heart

Holding her close

Feeling her breathe

Keeping her safe

It is ruining my back

It means I cannot do anything

While Bea is sleeping

Bea is not a dainty girl

She is a heavy baby

98th centile heavy

But she gives the greatest cuddles

And I cannot bear to put her down

I don’t know how to put my baby down

At the end of the night

She comes to bed with me

By body wraps round in a protective c

A natural position for Bea and me

empty-cot
Photo credit: edspire.co.uk

The cot is in the lounge

The plan is for her to sleep there

In the evenings

With David and I close by

Watching the rise and fall of each breath

But I can’t do it

I don’t know how to do it

I don’t know how to put my baby down

So the cot remains empty

And Bea sleeps soundly in my arms

Beside the empty cot

 

 

This was culled from www.edspire.co.uk

 

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5 Comments

  1. imotolab2014 Reply

    So touching. I do not/cannot imagine myself or rather put myself in her shoes. Such a heart wrenching story. It is well.

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  2. I feel for her, may God console & compensate everyone that has ever lost a life!

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  3. I feel for her, may God console & compensate everyone that has ever lost a live!

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  4. Adekola Funmilola Reply

    May God console and comfort those who’ve experienced this kind of loss! To those of us who have not, may we never experience it. Amen!

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