Dear Sally, He Is Cold And Distant

Hi Fam,
I want to share something with you and hope you help out. I get letters all the time asking for my advice or take on people’s personal issues. I answer all as best as I can but I guess I don’t always have all the answers, and that’s why I need your help here.
Dear Sally,
How are you and the family? And work? I know we don’t know each other that well yet but i need you advice on a personal ish. I noticed you write your thoughts about relationship ishes just like me, although i see mine as bringing up issues that people usually don’t talk about and then we talk about it. But unfortunately, people expect ‘us’ to know everything, which isn’t always the case. I think i’m blabbering now…lolx so i’ll just get to the point. But I think I should start by giving you a brief background on some things, then perhaps you’ll understand my hesitation on the issue.
I’ve been in several relationships in the past, although i didn’t get physical in most of them because i was determined to keep myself till marriage although in the end, i did stray eventually. But im still grateful to God to have kept me that far. Among the relationships,  i met a dude who i’d known since way back frm Sec.school. We dated a couple of months and then things went sour and i opted out. He wasn’t quite attentive and was more focused on work at the time. 
As i grew older, i realised a few things about myself.. My downsides- Impatience, ill-temperament and i was also a total control freak(which by the way is the reason i go haywire when things don’t fall under my control). So i took a long break from dating and concentrated on building myself and my relationship with God. Besides all that, i also knew being single at that time was what God wanted for me. I was so sure that even when i got very close to a male friend of mine and even wanted to date him, God didn’t want it( His voice was clear on the matter) and He even permitted certain circumstances to make sure it didn’t happen…that i remained single and focused on myself.
So by the time, i was ready to date, that same dude(the non-attentive one) came back. This time with full commitment. Even though i hurt his feelings and ended the relationship then, he still wanted to give it a shot(and since by then i had also realized how impatient i was with him -becos we dated before for just three months), i decided to give the whole relationship with him another go. For the first five months, the relationship was great. He let his guards down(He is a Capricorn) and let me into his world, showing me around and was even insisting i met his family and all that because according to him, he wanted us to be engaged by December.
But I wanted us to go slow and not be in a hurry. Marriage is a very big deal, so I’ve heard. I didn’t want to rush into things.
To cut the story short, i ended the relationship last week again after we dated for seven months. Why? you might be wondering…Well because the wall i thought i put down before, came right up after we had a fight. He became cold and distant. I tried to talk to him so many times about things but he’d give this nonchalant attitude. I beg to see him, i beg for him to call. I beg for his attention. It began to seem like he had expected me to be perfect, now that he had realized that i am, he was no longer interested. Even  when we fought, i let down my pride and begged for his forgiveness and he said he’d forgiven me…but he still felt distant and i cried for a month.
Whenever i told him, i loved him, he would reply that he knows and never reply that he does too and to me it seemed so unfair, that the person i love knows i love him, yet i couldn’t even tell if he still does. I wanted reassurance so badly but he never gave me any. It got so frustrating, that i ended it. All my friends think i did the right thing but i don’t know…He complained that i am too demanding and seem to always quit when things get bad, that is that how i will be in a marriage?
It just seemed like he was focusing on the fact the he has always proved that he loved me, when to me i see love to be something one proves everyday. He seems to be focusing on the future(me being the perfect wife) that he doesn’t seem to notice what he is doing now. He seem to be concentrating so much on places other than now. I told him this and he said nothing, that he is letting God’s will to be done after all, I’ve ended the relationship.
Truthfully, i don’t know what to do? Everyone says i should move on. That he is not the right person for me.
Please drop your advice in the comment box.
Thanks!
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15 Comments

  1. Well I think you should seek God’s face on this issue. And you might want to self examine yourself too.

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  2. In my opinion, u both are not meant for each other, marriage wld be a stuggle. In as much as u’ve got to work on urself,every woman needs her man’s assurance from time to time, that’s a part of u dat might never change no matter how hard u try and that might leave u furstrated in the future. Just take ur time, focus on other things and pray.

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  3. Sally Reply

    Just like Nate said, I’ll concur
    Stay focused and God will see you through

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  4. A relationship requires BOTH parties to make adjustments. Secondly communication is the bedrock of all relationships and I dont think the couple are communicating. The guy should also be willing to meet her half way. Lastly, I’ve never been an advocate of settling for certain behavior with the hope it will change. If those things are issues you cannot live with now, please walk away because it MIGHT never change.

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  5. emmonfclassic Reply

    Well lady, you might have to spell out what caused your fight. The guy seems genuine and committed. As a guy I believe there is something that would trigger his recent behaviour, maybe you stepped on his no go zones as we guys have a “non crossable” zone. He did forgive and forget the past so I guess this time he can’t overlook again.

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    • I belief there shouldn’t be a “non crossable” zone or whatever in a relationship. The guy should rather come clean and tell her what she did instead of blanking her out. Communication is the key in any relationship and this couple seem to lack that and may lead to more serious problems in marriage.

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  6. Hmmmm once a guy starts giving excuses of been demanding, lacks communication….etcs then you should opt out if he’s not ready to change and you aren’t ready to wait that long for change to take place which might not even come.

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  7. I would have said you got a dose of your own medicine but that will be unfair. But frankly speaking you need to deal with the character traits you listed. The way I see it is that even though you later fell for the guy you still had the notion that you would have the reins in the relationship. There is so,much a man can bear especially in this case where the guy has been hurt by you once before. He still has this fear that you will bail on him like you did before. Although it must be said he also should learn to be a bit patient and trusting. But you need to be schooled on patience right from crèche. You called quits on this guy twice. The way I see it you really don’t love him, so forget this particular relationship.

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  8. I’ll suggest u work on your weaknesses, pray to God concerning it, and for this relationship, it seems the guy is already tired of you. So just forget him and move on. Next guy you’ll date, let him know your weaknesses and you guys can work it out from there!

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  9. Am no expert, but I think first you have to improve on these flaws you listed ( everyone has 2 to 5 flaws), secondly pray about everything and remember not to pray and worry, thirdly you concentrate on your job and your family for even if he is yours or someone else is, no Man wants a woman who is a burden or who is emotionally demanding. We will also pray for you and I wish you the very best

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  10. I can’t give advice when I’ve read only one person’s side of the story, although I can say that even if you are advised to go back to him, who is to say he’ll take you back? Or if he does take you back, will he trust you enough not to walk again? Will you NOT walk again? If you were dating you will you accept such a person back? Ask yourself these questions and make up your mind

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  11. Adeosun fadekemi Reply

    In my opinion, I think the guy left you and not the other way round.

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  12. truth is I dont know much about relationships cos I haven’t been in any. But as I was reading this post, I saw that line about ”He is a Capricorn” line. Am i’m a Capricorn too.

    So whats the with being a capricorn got to do with letting ones guide down. Pls guys i need more clarification here. Could it be the reason why I myself seem to run away from realtionships?

    ps; I’m a guy

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