Why Is ‘No’ So Hard To Understand?

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27 Responses

  1. Biodun says:

    The rape culture has already caught up with us. olamide sang story for the gods and nobody saw anything wrong with his lyrics. even husbands rape their wives, forcing them when they don’r feel like, forcing them to have oral sex etc

    • Sally says:

      yeah, that song. It made a lot of noise when it came out. I don’t think Olamide deliberately set out to encourage rape culture but the meaning of his lyrics, sadly, showed that a lot of guys think it’s okay to keep having sex even when the girl says stop

  2. adebayo says:

    Hi Sally, I agree. Sex should have both parties consent all the way. Rape is evil.

  3. Pamilerin says:

    In every language, no means no. But it’s unfortunate that our culture wouldn’t look at most scenarios like yours as rape. Consequently, we’ll feel uncertainty and shame about telling someone about. I hope that in time to come, more awareness would be created.

  4. Ai says:

    Hmmm mm…well said sally.

  5. Calliboom says:

    well said Sally . No means No ,more awareness should be created to stop rape in our country, no respect for woman dignity….. it caused more pains than good…

  6. Temmy says:

    A lot of guys need to read this article, so they can understand NO means NO…. well said sally

  7. Nykky says:

    Well said Sally. I want to talk about the one between husband and wife. A husband hurt the wife and she was expecting sorry but the man just allow that night passed the following day just came to the room and went straight to ask for sex, the woman said no but the man said am your husband whatever issues we have will be discussed and went ahead to force the wife wounded her because she was struggling with him. Long story short the marriage is off because the man didn’t feel remorse because he didn’t do anything wrong he only slept with his wife so what’s the big deal about that. Our men needs reorientation.

    • Sally says:

      This happens a lot in marriages, sadly. I have read so many stories about it. In fact, I have a friend who goes through this quite a lot with her husband. The man sees nothing wrong in what he’s doing. When rape is redefined and these ‘grey areas’ are tackled, women would start having the boldness to say no and mean it, understand that they have been abused and do something about it

  8. The King says:

    There’s implied consent o. how do you explain a girl stopping you and pushing you and stopping you at the same time? which one are you supposed to listen to?
    Sally you took this thing from one angle.
    Yes,s ex can become after teh girl said stop but can she make a case out of it in court? how do you stand befor the judge and say ‘i said yes but no after’? will anybody take her seriously?
    let’s not forget that rape is a serious offence and the law will not be so willing to throw someone in jail because a girl comes and says she said no in the middle of the act, so yes, there’s a grey area to these things especially when it is difficult to ascertain where consensual sex started ended and rape started.
    What is the proof that ‘forced’ sex actually happened? If you said yes from the start, then it would be hard to prove that the guy didn’t stop when you said stop.
    How does it sound to you to say you actually consented to raped, being that you gave initial consent?
    To me, this type of rape you have described should not carry the same sentence as the one where the person was forced from the start, as there is a lot involved

    • Sally says:

      I totally get the angle you’re coming from. In court, it would be hard to establish if the girl was lying or telling the truth. We know there are cases where the girl claims she was raped after having consensual sex. I’m not talking about such cases. I’m addressing men who feel it is okay to continue having sex even after the woman says stop because ‘it’s hard to pull out’ or because ‘she already gave her consent’
      That’s the issue i’m addressing here. A lot of guys can avoid drama afterwards and such accusations if they just stop when the woman says no either through words or gestures or falls asleep.
      it’s unfortunate that the law can do little in such cases, either for the accused or the accuser. The burden then lies with the men to maintain dignity and practise the act of respecting the wishes of the female they’re sleeping with

  9. Toyenlon says:

    I agree with you, rape is bad and should be stopped. Imagine the trauma victims go through, which sometimes leaves a lasting impression on the victims.

  10. Ifeanyi Onochie says:

    Yes, rape is wrong. All the cases which begin as no at the start, continue as no at the middle and finish as no are all justifiably wrong. Unfortunately, some men’s brains stop functioning once they see a window of sexual opportunity.

    However, implied consent isn’t such a straight line. There are women who would say no because they aren’t in the mood; well, if the guy succeeds afterwards in turning them on, isn’t it game on? That’s a no turned yes. Then, there are also those who would say no when they really want it, and they want the guy to work a little harder before they give in to what THEY really want. That’s a no turned yes. And, it sure can be fun when there’s a kind of cat-and-mouse feel to it.

    I understand you’re dealing with this from the woman’s perspective, but, trust me, many women have tried to turn a man’s no into yes. And, many women would go bonkers if a man decides to stop in the middle of sex. Besides her possibly still needing an outlet for her state of arousal, she will wonder if she’s not attractive, or if he is not ‘feeling’ her or if there’s something wrong with him or her.

    I’m not sure many women consider men’s feelings when they ask a man to stop midway. You guys get into the mood simultaneously, and the woman decides to pull back when she doesn’t feel like it anymore? I have an ex who did that once and, when I asked why, she said it was her body and she could do with it whatever she pleased. True, but have the decency to explain why you willingly started a journey (hehe) together with me but you abandon ship before arriving our destination. Maybe I can learn something.

    • Sally says:

      Lol. Like i said, there are cock-teases. They enjoy doing that. The best is just for the guy not to continue and let her come after him herself. So many guys don’t know they can form when it comes to sex. It’s that constant, restless need to have it all cost that makes these type of women keep doing what they’re doing.
      Like you noted, women are not the only ones who stop sex midway. Guys do it too and I’m sure they have reasons. It doesn’t make it right for a woman to force her way with a man who is not interested or wheedle him to get what she wants. It’s rape as well. I had even read something about it just the other day, where a couple was having sex and the girl was on top and started choking the guy. He was pleading but she didn’t stop. He had to throw her to the ground to free himself and then she went and said he assaulted her.
      The issue is that rape culture is now a problem in Nigeria and it needs to be addressed, with both sides getting adequately educated about it.

      Meanwhile, I think it was you who called on Elsie’s show the other night. I am not sure but I suspect that it’s you.

      • Ifeanyi Onochie says:

        Agreed! Rape culture needs to be addressed before it spirals out of control.

        Yep, I called in. Just showing support for you and Elsie. At the time, I didn’t think to mention my surname because I was shocked the call went through. Unsurprisingly, Elsie didn’t recognise me from Twitter because we haven’t interacted in a while.

        • Sally says:

          Thanks for calling in. Kind’a guessed it was you.
          You got through because our network here is so bad we can’t reach each other

  11. Damusca says:

    we really need to change the way we raise our boys to see girls as beneath them. change that, and rape will drop

  12. Oluwakemi says:

    Thanks Sally for sharing this. Rape is really on the increase in our society these days and the one that gets to me so much (doesn’t mean others don’t get to me), is when Minors are raped. You hear of a 3 year Old girl raped by a Man old enough to be her Father or Grandfather. I still read in the Papers last week a 2 year Old girl that was raped to death.
    I wonder what goes on in the mind of this depraved men who rape and find pleasure in it. Only God can help us. A man who takes delight in raping his wife because he believes she is a chattel just because he paid one yeye dowry is to be tried.
    Our Women should do their best in raising up boys who are raised to honour and respect the female gender. Our Police officers and Courts of Law need to take Rape cases seriously, Our Legislative arm of Government should review the law concerning rape.
    Personally i think Rape deserves life sentence as this will give the Victim a sense of safety like “he is locked up forever and can’t abuse me again”
    May God continually save us from this plague that has plagued our society for so long.

  13. AOS says:

    RAPE is disaster, rape is bad, rape is evil. Just like I spoke to a friend about leaving midway during sex and the next thing he said was “And the dude did not strangle you”….Sally, I was shocked and short of words. God help us all, the world needs serious orientation. Thanks for writing about RAPE…………..xoxo

  14. Folakemi says:

    Thanks for this wonderful piece
    I wish all women could read it and have a better understanding about sex
    Even men sef No means No, they shouldnt just be forcing sex on someone
    May God help us


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