Hi!
Hope you guys had a lovely week. I’m introducing another writer. She’s upcoming and needs your constructive criticism. I have not edited her work. Please, read, comment and share.
Thanks!Ā
DesireƩ woke up sweating profusely, turned on the bed side lamp, she checked the time it was only 11:45pm. She slept for only two hours, she checked her body temperature. She felt warm yet her heart beat was like a racing car.
For the first she thought she would sleep without gulping pills, that she could actually sleep: something she havenāt done in more than a decade.
She growled, got out of bed, went to the bathroom gulped two sleeping pills and tuck her stranded hair behind her ear, cleaned the moist in the mirror and stared at her reflection, she couldnāt recognize the reflection. It definitely wasnāt her, that innocent little princess was gone, she was now a lady who had only one goal. The person she would become tomorrow was something she didnāt care about, all that mattered was right now.
DesireĆ© went back to bed, hoping that the pills would take effects so she could go to la la land. Nights are her most hated time of the whole twenty hours a day that existed, it was a constant reminder of the horror, endless waiting, tortures, pains, things she wished never happened but happened anywayā¦..
DesireĆ© screamed hoping that the excruciating pains in her head would stop, she clasped her head as she felt her head literally exploding. She threw her cushion pillows to the floor, shook her head vigorouslyā¦ screamingā¦ then her living nightmare came hunting her, flooding her memoriesā¦ā¦. engulfing her in her lonely shattered world.
Dr. Luke held a bouquet of roses and lilies grinning as he waited impatiently for the girl of his dreams DesireĆ©, even though the dream were now in ruins he still hoped and believed that āLove Would Happenā.
āLuke, lovely flowers. I do hope she wonāt say awful things todayā Annie told Luke staring at the flowers.
Annie is Lukeās friend right from Med school and a great ally in making DesireĆ© forget her horrible past but so far it hasnātĀ been on the successful path.
Luke gave Annie a stern look before speaking. āYou think she will run us down again? In the presence of everyone here? On her first day of her job?ā¦ Speaking of whichā¦ iām really proud of her although I donāt know how she managed to pass the psychoanalysisā¦ I donāt know how she did it but sheās hereā¦ Thatās all that mattersā
āSpeak of the devilā Annie whispered and left her view to see DesireĆ©. āHope for your sake Iām not embarrassed likeā¦ I donāt knowā¦ a billion timesā
āYou know youāre doing this for her but mostly for me so think of me not herā
Dr. Luke and Dr. Annie watched on as her colleagues congratulated her on her appointment as newest recruits to the Prosecution Counsel in the front leading law firm in the country.
āI still quite donāt understand the Prosecuting Counsel she had to be in, after the psychotherapy which ended badly, coping with lost years of education, isolating herself, detaching herself from family, then the psychological thing i feel sheās struggling withā
āSheās a Prosecutor nowā¦ so she wants itā
DesireƩ swiped her smug look immediately she spotted both of them talking and approached them, they were the last people she had expected to be present but was expecting them because they always seem to be at the wrong place and always present.
āIf it isnāt barbie and her puppeteerā
āItās Annie, DesireĆ©ā¦ ANNIE, ANNIE!ā Annie said emphasizing on her name.
āI couldnāt care about you much less your nameā
āI brought these for youā Luke chipped in.
āWell, I saw you with flowers and you are really odd. Did you miss your way? Where you going for a funeral and decided to drop-by? Thanks but no thanks and now you can be on your way.ā
āSeriously? Is this what i get? Did he deserve the insults?ā
āInsults? I told this dumb son of a b#tch that i hate flowersā¦ flowers are for funeralsā¦ for dead peopleā DesireĆ© said through clenched teeth. āHe knew that but still went ahead to buy them so maybe he didā
āCongratulations, Serena i hope youāre finally fulfilledā Luke said unexpectedly, DesireĆ© stood in awe for God knows how long, it seem like foreverā¦ She couldnāt tell how long she was in shock, itās been more than a decade she heard that nameā¦ā¦ She wasnāt expecting it but she quickly shove the shock aside, grinned before speaking.
āSerena died a long time ago Luke and iām far from being fulfilled, Iām just getting startedā¦ā¦ā¦ Cheers!ā DesireĆ© said raising up her glass to toast.
this is dark and I guess it will be revealing. well done
Nice piece…I tink you should read sally’s work though,it will help wen u put ur write ups togeda..kudos
I like it. The first paragraph. Her heart beat was like a racing car. How like a racing car? Shiny like a racing car? Fast like a racing car. Never forget to complete your similes. Good work
Nice write up.
Thank you.
Thanks for reading and for the comments, it’s helped.
Thanks for reading and for the comments, it helped.
owk……uhm i fink u cn do beta
bt anyway nice 1
U’re wlc
owk……uhm i fink u cn do beta bt anyway nice 1
A number of errors and fragmentation. For example, the second line should have been: ‘She had thought she could get some sleep without the sleeping pills; something she had not done in over a decade.’ Edit, edit, edit. Good job though.
Nice one
A good one tho, but am lost and can’t seem to grasp the real meaning of the story. Gere over to you, and you too sally..pls wow us with this series.
Nice one but try to read through ur piece to avoid omission of words
Nice write up. I would. Check out your blog.
Waiting for next episode, Keep Writing. Nice job.
So full of grammatical errors….made it kinda difficult to enjoy. You are off to a good start though.