TO ALL THE MEN WHO ARE MARRIED TO THEIR MOTHERS
I went to make my hair yesterday. I had a weave earlier but took it off because the lady that plaited my hair did it so tightly and gave me a boil on my scalp.
After I healed, I went back to the salon to have braids done instead. The lady who plaited the hair was an apprentice and known as Iya Misturah. (forgive my spelling of Misturah if it’s wrong). I playfully told her that she owed me a bottle of malt and she laughed, replying in the same vein that she would buy me a whole carton instead. She washed my hair and dried it while waiting for my hairdresser to finish up with someone else’s hair. We got gisting in the salon and we were on the topic of overbearing mothers-in-law. Iya’s Misturah’s husband’s mother was one of them.
Now, remember that question you probably came across on Twitter or on Facebook where it says:
“What would you do, if you returned home from work or a journey only to find your 3 months old baby re-branded this way by your own mother or mother-in-law from the village?
Well, I never thought I would meet a living example of that question until I met Iya Misturah and her daughter, Misturah.
As the story goes, a short time after Misturah was born, Iya Misturah went to buy some things in the market and returned to find her baby all marked up. Not like the picture above but she was left with three big tribal marks. One on her chin and two each on her cheeks. Iya Misturah, as you guessed, was devastated. Her husband was not in but when he returned and saw what happened to his first born child, he went livid – only for an hour or so. Because his mom drew him to a corner and he came back subdued. He called his wife aside, apologized on his mother’s behalf, telling her it was tradition and that if she loved him she would forgive his mother. Iya Misturah didn’t know what to do. And as much as she was pained and angry, she had to let it pass.
But I asked her, as she told me the story, how do you let that type of thing pass? And she shrugged and said “wetin I wan do? My husband love im mama pass anybody for dis world.”
My hair dresser hissed. “It is you who allowed him to become like that.”
“Aunty, wetin you want make I do? Na so God take dash me my own.”
I was silent for a while. The story shocked me. I had always thought Misturah’s tribal marks came from the hands or consent of her own parents. I couldn’t believe it had been done to her in such a criminal way. I was upset. I mean, if it was me, God knows I wouldn’t be speaking to my mother-in-law till date. And she would never be welcomed in my home. You don’t disfigure my child’s face in my absence, without asking me, and do it so callously and you expect me to welcome you with open arms because my husband came out of your womb. If my own mother did it, her punishment would even be worse. I cannot trust such a person.
So at this point, I voiced my opinion and my hairdresser added a “gbam!”
Another woman there laughed at us (cos she was quite older) and said, we were just talking because we were young and had heady ideas about such situations. She said if it happened to us, we would forget the incidence as the years go by.
“How can I forget when I’m looking at my child’s face every day?” my hairdresser asks. “Aunty forget o. I no fit. Even Jesus sef go understand.”
Later on, Iya Misturah asked me if there was surgery that could be done to correct her daughter’s face. I gave her hope and told her to work hard and earn money for the surgery. Something could be done. Meanwhile I advised that she looked around for other remedies to reduce scarring.
Looking into the mirror, I saw the sadness on her face. Again, I put myself in her shoes and wondered. What if it was my child? How would I have felt? Especially knowing that the criminal who disfigured her face in the name of a barbaric tradition is going around without as much as getting a scolding because I have a husband I love who loves her more?
See, I don’t just get men whose mothers control their lives. Or men who see their mothers as the only specimen of good women out there. I used to know this guy who felt all women were useless and deserved to be controlled by men and equality amongst the sexes was shit. But when you asked about his mother, he would go “she’s an exception”. And yet he was a married man. Made me wonder what his wife was going through.
We see the scenario in Nollywood movies a lot, where mothers-in-law come into homes to wreak havoc. I was in a bus the other morning and a preacher woman, after talking about the fornicators, smokers and adulterers, begged mothers to go easy on their son’s wives. And I was laughing. If the matter has become a topic for preachers, then it’s no joke.
But you can’t help but wonder why it is so. The answer is simple: The sons of these overbearing mothers are to blame. Would a mother-in-law enter a woman’s house and be a source of sadness for her if the woman’s husband had not made that happen either by commission or by omission?
This tweet is a good example of what I’m talking about: “I don’t care how beautiful she is,I can NEVER love a girl even after marriage more than my mother.”
When I read that, I considered the person a kid who was yet to see life or to experience the true meaning of love. But I immediately corrected myself on the ‘kid’ part. Wasn’t the person writing this adult enough to know the difference between a wife and mother? Wasn’t Misturah’s father a grown ass man?
Look, I’m not against a man loving his mother to a fault or having this image of her being guiltless. What I am against is when a man doesn’t know how to take his lips off his mother’s breasts and learn to chew the tough meat of love. He has become comfortable being loved and not caring about loving another person back selflessly. Because a mother’s love is self-sacrificing and openhanded at all times, guys like this have become so spoilt that all they want to do is take and take and if a girl is not giving them like mama does, then she ain’t good enough. You will find out that they are the type of men that demand from their wives and give nothing back other than the basic money. Yes, I said basic because money can like to take the backseat when real, unconditional love shows up. Hence, these men have years of memories in their heads filled with their mothers’ unrestricted loving in their lives and unless their women can go back and double up what their mothers have done, they have no concrete footing in their hearts. Basically, what I’m saying is that they measure their wives on the scale of what their mothers have done. And we all know—you, me, Google and the idiot down there—that these women will always fall short.
For the type of men I mentioned above, I have little respect. I put them right after the category of men who hit and rape women and I have no apologies for that. They always end up hurting their significant others. Their mothers can never do wrong and even when it’s glaring that they have done wrong, they excuse them at the detriment of the woman who deserves their love more.
Are you one of those guys? Please repent. You cannot marry your mother. You cannot have sex with or kids by her. You cannot spend happily ever after with her. And if you do plan to do all these, there’s a nice place in hell for you. So please, repent.
The love of a mother, if it cannot help you grow, is destructive. If loving and being loved by her does not inspire you to get up and be a man, and face flawed women out there in the world, and have your heart broken and torn and your ass cheated and yet still find it somewhere in you to love again, then your mother has not taught you much in life. She has only taught you to ‘run back to mommy’ anytime someone pushes on the playground of life. She has only made you mommy’s boy and it doesn’t matter how old you’ll grow to be, you will always be tied to her apron strings. Even when she dies, she will live on in your head and you will continue to measure yourself by the indelible but caustic marks she has left in you.
In case, you are still having trouble knowing the true role of your mother, let me make it easy.
| MOTHER | WIFE/ FIANCEE/ GIRLFRIEND | |
| Related to you by blood | Not related to you by blood | |
| She slept with someone else to have you | You sleep with her to have someone else | |
| You came out from her vagina | You go into her vagina | |
| You sucked her boobs to survive | You suck her boobs for pleasure | |
| You might never be wrong in her eyes | You will sometimes be wrong in her eyes | |
| You learn from her | Your learn with her | |
| She can’t shake her booty for you | She definitely can |
One of the reasons I love my husband is because he respects his mother to death but tells her she is wrong when she is wrong, unflinchingly. And if it concerns me, he still tells her she has been unfair to me if she has; same way he reprimands me when it concerns her. So far, his honesty has not killed his mother. He is still her baby boy but she sees a man when she looks at him and respects him thus. I’m sure she pats herself on the back for raising such a fine specimen. In addition, he has earned me points on her side and these days if she wants to get him to do something or ask anything of him, she goes through me, knowing if all else fails, I am the only one who can get through to him.
Am I not lucky? 😉
Anyways, these are my final thoughts: A good man helps his wife become a mother. Nobody went to mothering school the moment they were born; and it goes the same with fatherhood. So instead of being fixated on your woman becoming like your mother, why not try to be a good father and husband to her? And please, freaking cut the strings off your mother’s apron! If snipping off the umbilical cord didn’t kill either of you at birth, dude you can make it.
Have a great evening!
And before I forget, way to go, Super Eagles!
Tell that to my aunt, the woman is so involved in her children’s(both males n females) marriages. I get so pissed when I see her complaining n controlling.
I can just imagine
*crying*
I’m going to go and tell my mommy for you
You’re such a clown
So madam Sally, b4 I read, wanna say ds: pls wot exactly did I do wrong? Cos d last tym I got an update 4rm ur blog was on d 13th of ds month, pls o wetin b my offense?
First of all, I am sorry about the notification problem. My host company that keeps this blog running http://www.whogohost.com allows only a number of emails per post to avoid spam. So, I didn’t stop sending stuff to you, Whogohost is responsible.
Second, you sound like I purposely picked you out not to send you emails. There are over five hundred email subscribers to this blog and apart from my own email address, I don’t know anyone else’s to have the time to blacklist them.
Third, I have been explaining about the notification issues for a while now in my posts but somehow you have chosen to ignore my complaints.
Fourth, I have fixed the issue and I am very sure that you got a notification from Mailchimp at exactly 9pm.
Five, if you didn’t get a notification then that’s cos u are using gmail and it has taken the email to either your Social or Promotions folder and you can’t see it in your main folder. Even I have the same problem.
Sixth, becos of you I have to write a post to explain this to everyone cos I feel people ignore the important announcements I make here.
Seven, hope I answered your question. Check your gmail properly.
wow ms sally…thumbs up. you av just talked d talk…let them hear.thanks.
Thank u for reading
You couldn’t have said this any better!
Abi o, somebody has to say it
Some of these so called men really do have a lot of growing up to do. There’s nothing as annoying as a man who can’t stand up to his mother when she is wrong, and a man who foolishly thinks other women are worthless, while is mother is priceless. I really do hope some of these mummy’s boys will stumble upon this article some how and fix their malfunctioning brains. Lovely piece as usual Sally, well done!
Thank you, Gloria
I absolutely heart ds post! Some guys just dont get it and they keep hurting their spouses cos of their mothers. Respect and love ur significant other and your mother wil respect d man u hv bcome. It’s a win-win situation really.
😉
True talk, some men are tied to their mother’s apron. They can’t do anything or take any major step without consulting their mom. Guys like this need to grow up.
It’s sad, really
I love this post..Well done!
Thanks!
Never a dull moment with Sally. For me it boils down to two things 1. Guys that allow their mothers to control them are spine less and very immature. 2. Mothers that must have a say in their children’s lives do not have lives of their own and are very disrespectful. They do not love their kids as they claim, they just want to control them. What happens to ‘a man shall leave his mother and father and CLEAVE to his wife’. If I’m Iya Misturah i’ll definitely find a way to get even. That was mean honestly!
It is. I can’t imagine her pain
Lovely post. Now the thing is to hope that its message did register in the hearts of all concerned. Our mothers are our mothers, no doubt. So also our wives are our wives. The sky is big enough for the birds to fly, our hearts are big enough to love them both unconditionally. That’s what makes you a real man in cases like this. God bless you Sally!
You said it right. There’s enough room for everyone. It should be balanced well
Spot on,Sally. Too many immature males going into marriage (can’t even call them men because they still have a lot of growing up to do). Some mothers do not know there is an end to their roles in their sons’ lives. When you’ve done a good job of raising a good man,you’ll know. Any meddling in his marriage shows that you’re not sure you did a good job.
As for that tribal marks thingie,scares the hell out of me. None of my siblings(or myself) has tribal marks,so I know my mother wouldn’t do that. I even had to voice it out to my fiancee,just to be clear…LOL! Tribal marks…that thing is evil mehn! Hehe
Very evil. I can’t imagine being scarred like that.
@ the king,roftl,yes ke,tell mummy 4 sally joor,
My dear sally,God bless u,I wish this can be published in d dailies,some men can be annoying*arrrrggh*
Thanks, Mini
I totally love this post
😉
But seriously too some mothers should know when to release their hold on their sons for the fact you birthed him does not mean U should define your sons life. Funny enough such mothers ha v e dau
Such mothers have daughters and dnt have such control on their daughters just bothered about their sons only. The first comment was incomplete had to complete it
It’s okay dear. And you’re so right. And do u know the irony, the daughters go and face worse elsewhere
Let me share a little story,…….A man open a restaurant for his wife in PH,he is based partly in Owerri/PH,the business grows very very well and he sent his mother(husband is late) from that side to come and be the CEO here,i mean mother-inlaw takes over everything from the wife,she completely becomes a staff who takes order and report appropriately to her boss(mother-inlaw) in her own business,she is so helpless that i began to wonder if this woman is actually married to that man,as in she cant buy or sell anything until the mother in law sanctions that thing,meanwhile this daughter inlaw is about 48yrs.I had to stylishly ask the boss cos i went ther to do some biz with them why she is not doing the daughter’s bidding,afterall she is the rightful owner of the business,the woman simply replied “this is my son’s business and am here to safeguard my son’s property,whoever doesnt like it should go away,my son sent me here” at this point i just couldnt say anything again.
Wow! This is sad. All of the people involved are just annoying me. What type of man is that. Sorry to say, old fool he is. What sort of childishness is worrying him in his old age.
The mother. I don’t have words for her. Then the wife. Na wa o. Which kain dullard be that? Chai. I’m too weak
Thanks for sharing
Wish men concerned could read this post! My observation overtime reveals they are so insensitive they don’t know, where to draw they lines. Advice: if ur mum is the only living female who is absolutely wonderful…let others be! Don’t even get married. Great piece
Sally…sometimes I wish I could crawl into your mind and just live there! Beautiful piece as alwaz! More Grace!
Hahaha! You can crawl in anytime, darling. I’m an open book.
More love to you
At times some daughter inlaws are just too gentle and nice that the mother inlaws take them for grantd in their own legitimate home,at times its the other way round,but a man got to be a man,you should when to draw a line to everyone excesses in your life.Your mother is your past,your wife is your present and your children are your future,so always put them where they belong….Sally thanks
You’re so right about some daughters in-law. They just need to stand up and defend their territory and stick to their guns to the end cos if their marriage fails, no one will blame the mother in law but the two people in the marriage.
Thanks, Ustyn
True talk, Sally! I once met a guy like that and it just pissed me off. I have an elder brother too and he’s not attached to my mum’s apron strings. I think guys who are still mummy’s boys should grow up first before going into marriage. Keep up the good work!
Exactly! If mommy is the only girl for you, marry her
Hi Sally,this is my first time on your blog and am already a huge fan but i can’t access some articles cos of the privacy… pls i would appreciate it if i could access them. Tanx alot.
I’m sorry dear. If you can’t access them, then its intentional. Not all posts are open to the public
Such a great piece sally, its food for thought to all men. Mothers are priceless jewels, at the same time, they shouldn’t take the place of wives in their sons’ lives. Mother having a say/stand in her son’s live which brought about confusion to the son actually broke my relationship. Men should stand and fight for what is theirs, they should take decisions solely with the help of God and not allow to be controlled by any external force. Nice one sally!!!
May God help us. This issue is very serious these days and it’s sad, really. These ‘boys’ need to man up. Its quite irritating
WoooooooW, nice write up!
🙂
Hi sally dear. This post hits a sore point. You just described My ex- fiancee and his mum to a T. We go everywhere together, church, shoprite, shopping mall and when we have issues the mum gets to hear about it even before am aware we have them, he even told her when I refused him sex cause I was pregnant and I lost the last one due to rough sex (?.?) .. It Was Hell. Glad to be out of it. I never even for once reported to my mum when the abuse started but his mother can like to call a family “intervention” *me I call it poke nosing* every other day. On one of those meetings I asked who I was dating? That she should stop putting her mouth in our affairs, that the boy is not a man yet and she won’t let him grow thus. The woman became my enemy and made sure we broke up claiming yoruba girls and igbo guys cannot get along but “she’s the one that didn’t want us to get along”. Kmt. Good riddance. Men should endeavour to cut that strings that attatch em to mama that’s ruining their life and the love between their GF/Fiancee/Wife! Peace and Love Sally.
I’m glad you are out of that relationship. Sheesh! You suffered. Pele. Thank God for your life
Hahahaha,OMG I love the booty shaking part…..you said it sister!!!
Thanks!
Tell them Sally! Tell them!!
I’ve told them 😀
Awwch buh does it include articles? Like i was reading in pursuit of Kyenpia and there was a next page but i could not access it..is that post private also?
Read from this blog. You’re reading from a blog I have closed. All the articles are here
Amen… Men take heed. Tx Sally…
😉
Sally has spoken,,its high time someone addresses thus issue,,just last week a frnd was just gisting me abt his friend dat committed suicide,said she got married last year,,was frustrated by hermother inlaw cos she didnt take in,so she took her own life,,dis story is quite annoying cos she’s being married for just 1 year and she’s still very young ,just 27,I said she’s stupid but den some mother in-laws can make someone lose their mind,,,way to go sally
Very sad story.
Hmmmmmmmm. Mummy’s boy thing. So annoying i tell you. I blame the men though. Cos it wont happen without their permission
Exactly!
……and sumhow I found myself with his kinda man..every sentence always started or ended with “my mum dis or dat” and yes I was compared plenty a time with dearest mum.Thank God tins hadn’t gone too far, I took a walk afta a while. Let him go ask his mama to shake d booty for him!
Lol! Abi.
Awesome post!this is so true.I’m so sorry 4 any1 going thru dis.its a dangerous situation 2 b in as a wife.Sally,I duf my hat 4 u.
Very dangerous situation, my dear
Mothers should also raise sons/men who can be independent of them when necessary. Know when to cut loose the apron strings.
Yep
I still haven’t seen a Nigerian ‘non buttie’ to be mummy’s boy
Ha. Then you’ve not really been with the non-buttie guys. It is not an issue specific to class or status. It cuts across. Misturah’s dad is 100% pako. In short I think exposure sef helps some guys.
Its really frustrating being in a relationship with mummy’s boy…I had a laugh,but thanks for passing the message across,its time they get their acts together and grow a backbone.
Thanks for reading
been trying to comment since this was posted. does wordpress hate me?
le boo n i went to his brothers wedding and i wore native shirt n trousers which he got for me 4 d occasion. his mom caused a scene and i told her dat her son choose wat i wore he gave her a piece of his mind b4 storming off in anger. sally tnks