Getting Laid

By Martins Toritseju

You know how it is as a young guy trying to explore his sexuality, especially while on campus. You put yourself out there trying to get some attention from the ladies. You use all the showmanship in you to get girls to like you.

But it’s not easy for a lot of guys; especially the ones who have no clue what to do to win a girl over. For those guys, it’s rocket science to get a girl to even notice you, howbeit be interested in you. And sadly, I was one of those guys.

So you should see how excited I was when during the course of our WhatsApp chat, Amaka agreed to come over to my place to visit me that coming Sunday.

Amaka was a course mate but I was one year ahead of her in the University, and in my third year. Ever since after their fresher party where one of my guys had introduced us, she had occasionally come to me in school to put her through some topics she was finding difficulty with. 

And she has finally giving in to my persistent request to come visit me at my place. In her words, “Bad boy. Ok o. So prepare for me.” And attached to it was that winking emoji.

Finally! Men I was super happy and couldn’t help but fantasize about it. I was gonna get laid! But then it hit me like a brick. She said I should prepare. Shit! I needed condom! But how do I get one? I have never bought or even used one before. Oh! Did I mention I was shy?

And why does most of the persons in chemist stores around me have to be women? You know how nosy, judgy and busy-bodied they can get. 

I thought about going to the pharmacy nearby. Nah. That place is usually crowded. Plus those attending to customers are young fine girls. How was I gonna be able to face them taking inventory of my buying a condom. This was harder than I thought. 

Hopeless as my case was, I turned to my roommate, my older brother Daniel who was already in his finals.

Daniel wasn’t your everyday casonova on campus. He was worse. He literally couldn’t resist any girl with a fine face and nice body. On top of it, there was barely any girl he wanted that he couldn’t get. And he wanted them all. He was dangerously handsome, he also was dark, tall and charismatic. Getting a girl to fall for him was a piece of cake for him. He is the kind of guy every guy, well the ones like me, wanted to be like. To us, he was a semi-god.

Me: Daniel, please can you give me one wrap of condom?

Daniel: Condom? (fake coughs) What for? You want to blow it and fill it with water?

Does he think I don’t know what condom is used for or how to use it? He is only a year older than I for crying out loud. But I had to keep my cool.

Me:.Please na. Just one. I can give you the money if you want.

Daniel: Sorry bro, unfortunately mine is finished. You will have to go and buy one.

Oh great!  I gave up. Well maybe Amaka will bring condom, I hope.

Daniel: So who do you want to do? Is it Chioma or Peace?

Me: Well, if you must know, it’s Amaka.

Daniel: The one you’ve been teaching in school and always looking at her pictures on facebook?

Daniel: Wow, that fine girl, with those nice curves.

Me: Guy afar… Nor too reason am. I know you.

I basically spent most of my time out of our apartment to give him privacy for his conquests. Well I should think I was overdue for reciprocity.

Me: Dude you sha know you will give me privacy and find your way?

Daniel: Normally na. What time will she be coming and how long will she be here?

Me: Well I’m not sure, but she said she suppose come in the evening. So I’m speculating she would come around 4pm and leave around 5 or 6pm.

Daniel: My little brother wants to be a man.

Okay, if you haven’t figured that out already, I am actually still a virgin? Yep, I have never had s*x. So if this goes down well, it will be my first time.

Daniel: Don’t worry. I will go to dem Michael’s room to play video game with them.

***

3:44 PM

I was at the junction to receive Amaka. She stepped down from the bike and crossed to meet me. Then I led her to my lodge and opened my room door. Daniel had already left. I left her sitting on the bed and rushed out to get a cold drink and gala. Then I returned and offered it to her. 

As she ate, we discussed. We talked about our departmental lecturers; we had a good laugh mimicking some lecturers boring classes, those with catchphrases and those with funny sense of dressing.  

After we had nothing more to talk about, we started watching funny video skits by Taaoooma, Mark Angel, Ditweni and the likes, on each other’s phone. And then she lied down on the bed watching a movie on my phone. It was amazing how unaware we were of the passing time.

6 PM

I knew this was the moment to make my move or the passing time will close this window of opportunity. I mustered as much courage as I could, lied down behind her and rest my hand on her waist. Seeing she didn’t object, I took the next leap. I pushed my hand under her top and crawled my way to her bra and plunged my hand inside it to squeeze her bare bosom. She flinched but she didn’t protest. So I caressed the boob and then pinched the nipple. She squirmed a little. Then I used my other hand to turn her body towards me and went for her lips. She tasted good. As we kissed, I took my phone from her hand, clicked the power button and tossed it aside. And taking the hand back, I reached for her bum, tapped it and squeezed it. I continued to caress her breast and burrowed my hand beneath her bra to the other bust and caressed it too.

I climbed her and caressed the smooth skin of her laps and every other parts of her caramel-colored body my hands could touch. I took off her top and brushed her bra down to her stomach exposing her bare pointed bosoms. She helped me take off my shirt. Then, I licked and sucked both one after the other and continued caressing her body, occasionally kissing her lips and running kisses up and down her stomach. She squirmed more in pleasure.

I could feel blood filling up the vessels in my member. I buried my hands beneath her short skirt and pinched both sides of her underwear, tugged it off and dropped it on the floor. Then I buried two fingers into her honey pot. She flinched and squirmed simultaneously and clutched me. 

With a combo of boob sucking, legs brushing and pussy fingering, she let out gentle gasps and moans of pleasure. Her pleasure drove me crazy. I could feel that I was already very hard below. The bulge was very obvious, as if it would tear through the fabric obstacle. She unhooked her bra and pushed it aside. Then she started reaching for my belt and I knew what she wanted. So I unbuckled, took off my trouser and was about pulling down my boxers and let my member loosed, when I remembered it was at this point that I needed condom.

Me: Em, did you come with any condom?

Amaka: What?  Me? Why are you asking me that?

Me: Em, I don’t have any. 

Amaka: What do you mean you don’t have any? 

Me: I was kinda hoping you will bring.

Amaka: Me? I should bring? But I said you should prepare for me. No condom, no access.

Me: Ok. Wait. Let me rush out to go buy one now.

6:30 PM

I hurriedly dressed up and tucked my hard member. I grabbed some change from my bag, pocketed it, unlocked the door and left. I rushed into the streets looking for chemists.

 So I hurried to John’s chemist. He was the only male chemist around the block. There I met him and four other guys watching a soccer match. Damn it! I just sat down and set my face towards the TV as if I had any interest in the damn match or the guys’ useless commentaries and arguments. It was just fifteen minutes into the second half. I nearly cried. I kept making quick glances at the different brands of condoms in the chemist. I just couldn’t muster the courage. Where is power failure when you need one? 

***

My situation reminded me of a Nollywood movie I watched sometime ago. The guy (Ramsey Noah) was head over heels for a lady (can’t remember her face). She however was dating another guy. According to the storyline, she was a virgin and after much pressure from her current boyfriend, she made up her mind to go visit him and allow him to deflower her, but on getting there, she caught him sleeping with another babe. So out of anger, she went to Ramsey to offer him the free food, out of the blue.

She told him to bring condom. Since like me he doesn’t “Do it”, he didn’t have any. So he went to the room to see if he could get his hand on one of his friend’s (mr cassonova) stock. He found a piece and returned to her but as soon as she held it, she said it has expired. I wonder how someone that is a “virgin” could easily identify a used condom. The poor guy went back in again but couldn’t find any other. So he passed through the room window to go buy one. What’s wrong with telling her he didn’t have any before going out? I’m sure she would have understood.

 He went to an aboki. The aboki said his stock was finished. So he took his housemate damfo bus driving from one chemist to another. In one, he ended up buying two sachets of water. Unfortunately for him, most of the chemists he visited had female attendants and it felt uncomfortable asking them for condom. 

The last chemist, after wasting time, a guy just came and asked for condom. The lady handed it to him and he left. That was when bros had courage to ask for one. But the girl said the other guy just bought the last pack. See marathon! He quickly chased the guy, took the condom from him, gave him money for it and left with it saying he needed it more than the guy.

 On his way back, bros narrowly escaped an incoming vehicle but crashed into a parked “keke” (tricycle). There was no damage on the keke but the “damfo” bus was badly damaged. The rear glass even got broken. Keke damaging damfo bus? No wait, what am I even saying? Let me put it well. A “parked” keke damaged a damfo bus! Like how is that even possible? Nollywood!

Rather than getting laid, he ended up getting hospitalized and unconscious, near the brink of death! While he was unconscious, his spirit even left his body for a while before returning to it. He didn’t get to “Do” till he married her and he was on wheelchair, temporarily sha. I carry hand for the writer of that movie. Nothing you will not see in Nollywood movies.

***

I ended up staying till the game was over and after talking for a while, the guys finally left. I was still gathering mind when John spoke.

 John: Bro, abeg help me watch the store, make I go piss. I dey come just now. 

Me: Ok.

Woohoo! Immediately he left, I quickly took one pack of condom and slipped N200 note into his money draw. Then I sat down and waited for him to return. Immediately he returned, I bolted. 

7: 15 PM

I was contemplating the kind of excuse I was going to give Amaka as I walked towards my door. I saw her footwear front of the door, next to it was definitely Daniel’s. 

Oh no! No no no no!! This can’t be happening!!! Let it not be what I’m thinking o!!!!

I rushed to the door and pushed it open. I froze. Amaka was on her feet dressing up while Daniel was on top of the bed wearing only boxers. Both of them were sweaty. His clothes was scattered across the room. Near his trouser was a freshly torn condom wrapper. Shey he told me he didn’t have any condom? It was crystal clear what had happened. I felt betrayed. I was mad!

Daniel: Sorry bro. You said she would have left by 5 or 6pm. I thought…

When he saw the look on my eyes, he stopped talking, grabbed his clothes from the ground and left the room. 

Amaka: Your brother is a great s*x expert.

I scowled.

Amaka: What na? Where did you even go to? Just to buy a condom? I was waiting for you for so long, you didn’t return. Then he came in, you know the state you left me in na, I was still in the mood and naked and on the bed, so one thing led to another.

Me: You think it’s easy to get a condom? Took a while but I managed to get it anyway. 

I waved the pack of Durex in. Gosh! I could feel tears building up in my eyes.

Amaka: I don’t understand. Why are you telling me? Wait oh! I just finished sleeping with your brother. Do you want me to also sleep with you? Do I look like a slut to you?

Like WTF! What do you call what she just did? Do I look like I will want to do anything with Daniel’s leftover or someone already polluted by him?

Amaka: Abeg, look at the time, it’s getting late. I want to go back to my hostel. Come and escort me.

***

Later that night when I retired to bed, still trying to recover from what had happened, I opened my WhatsApp and received some messages from Amaka.

Amaka: Xup? I just got back How was your day? About today, hope no hard feelings? Hope you will still teach me CHM 121 tomorrow at the usual time and class?

See this tramp o! How was my day? You don’t know how my day was? No hard feelings? Shey I will still teach you? Thunder fire you and all your generation! I just blocked her and deleted her number. “Do I look like a slut?” Mtchew. 

As for that Judas, he didn’t come back to the room that night. 

BTW, I’ve got an unused Durex condom pack for sale, just in case you want to buy.

The END

Written by: Martins Toritseju

He blogs at martinswrites.com