PROLOGUE
She lights four candles and places them at different compass points. A green candle in the north, a red in the south, a blue in the west and a yellow in the east. They rest on a red piece of cloth she has placed on her bedroom floor. She lights two more candles and holds them in her hands, both of them pink. Then she faces the red candle in the south, clad in nothing but her Jigida.
âPowerful one, hear my prayer!â she calls out with emotion in her voice. âLords of fire, burn my desire, three times over!â
She breaks, lifts her head upwards and shuts her eyes. Tears slide to the sides of her face. She continues with unsteady lips.
âBring Jideofor back to me. Restore his passion for me. May the strange women in his life bring him nothing but pain. The same pain I have known. He will search for love but will never find it until he searches for me and finds me.â
She lowers the pink candles gently and picks a wedding gown on the floor. She slips into it. The gown has red blotches but she doesnât seem to notice as she picks a surgical blade from a table nearby. The blade swiftly slices into her palm with one smooth motion, drawing instant blood. Maneuvering her way through spaces between the candles, she kills the burning flames with her blood as she chants on.
âCome back home, Jideofor. Come back to me. Home is here with me. Come back.â
The last flame goes out and so does the light in the room. She sits down and slips her feet into a pair of yellow heels. She will wait for him. She doesnât care for how long. She must wait. Jideofor must come to her.
â           â           â           â           â           â
Itâs another SaturdayâŚ
And Iâm immersed in a ladyâs reproductive parts. This is life, I tell you. And itâs the one thing I do the best.
The woman whose legs are spread open before me moans and tells me she canât take it any longer. I tell her to hold on. We are almost there. If only sheâll just let me do my thing.
She moans again and grips the bedsheet. Her legs shake irrepressibly. Sheâs swearing, saying things I canât understand, speaking in tongues.
âOh God!â she screams. I smile. We are almost there. Just one moreâŚ
The door flings in and this giant creature charges into the room with fire in his eyes.
âMy husband,â she gasps.
Without realizing, I move away from her. The man looks like heâs about to pick me and dash me against the wall.
âWho you be?â he growls, pouncing toward me. âI say who you be?â
âAh, Baba Patrick!â his wife replies as I search for my voice. âNa midwife be dis.â
âMiddle wife?â
âAbeg allow am make hin finish hin work before I die for here.â
âMiddle wife?â Goliath looks at me from top to bottom and back again. âMan dey do middle wife?â
âOooh-oh-oh! Baba Patrick!â His wife cries. âDis pikin wan commot o! Leave the man abeg!â
Goliath still doesnât trust me or his wife as he glowers at both of us, but because it is unimaginable for us to be doing something immoral when a baby is on its way out of her vagina, he lets me be.
I take my former position between her legs and Iâm glad to see that all on its own, the baby is making its way into the world. All it needs is a little help.
âOkay, madam, one last push.â
Mama Patrick gives it all sheâs got and a beautiful little girl slips into this world with a quiet cry. Usually, I donât immediately sever the umbilical cord until the blood has balanced between the placenta and the newborn, so I lay baby on her motherâs chest for warmth, placing a clean cloth over them. From the corner of my eyes, I see the look of sheer incredulity still impressed on the fatherâs face. I know that expression too well. The âwhy would any man want to do a womanâs job?â look.
Well, the answer to that question is because of all the places in a womanâs body, the vagina is my favorite. Lord knows how many lady parts Iâve seen in this life, but letâs not dwell on that. The second reason I do this is simply because I can, so give it a rest, dude.
I eventually clamp the umbilical cord, sever it, and take baby away from her mother. The little thing protests with a âWaah! Waah!â and breaks into a full cry. I place her on a table in a corner, which I previously made sterile as best as I could, and clear mucus from her nose and mouth. I donât believe in washing off the vernix that comes with a newborn until after twenty-four hours. Itâs the best natural moisturizer for babies, and it doesnât stink.
I pat her dry, wrap her in a fresh, warm blanket and hand her back to her mother.
âMadam, Iâd love to stay around and take care of you two, but I canât, unfortunately. Youâll have to go to a nearby hospital to make sure all is well.â
The grateful woman nods. âHow much I dey owe you?â
I laugh. âNothing, madam.â
She is touched. âThank you very much, sir. God bless you, sir.â She gives her husband a stern look, and he mutters off cheerless thanks but continues to stare at me as though he really caught me screwing his wife. Funny how people reason. If I had told him I was a doctor, his attitude toward me would have been different.
I help the woman birth out the placenta and clean out her uterus. Currently, neighbors are already waiting in the living room, most of them women. I wonder where they were when she was shouting the entire neighborhood down in agony. Even the Papa Patrick, where was he?
Walking out, I pick my suit hanging off the door and stare at the Armani shirt I have on, stained with blood and whatnot. Bobby will kill me for showing up late for his wedding.
I walk past a group of women on my way out of Papa and Mama Patrickâs home. I get approving stares. A couple of them recognize me.
âOh, itâs the new neighbor,â I hear a chubby one say in a whisper that is clearly not a whisper.
âThe one that packed in day before yesterday?â
âYes. That lives in Babaâs compound.â
âOh! So, heâs a doctor.â
Iâm almost at the door now. I should leave them to their little gossip and be on my way to my friendâs wedding, but I canât help it. I stop and turn.
âMidwife, not doctor. Iâm a midwife.â
I leave them in the wake of my stunning revelation and kiss the fresh air outside.
__________
I arrive at the wedding and meet them midway. My friend, Bobby, and his wife are making their way out of the church hall when I slip in. I pick a chair in the last row, skirted by two Christian mothers that smell of camphor and talcum powder. With their heavy head gears and shimmery attires, I pray I am well hid from Bobbyâs bespectacled eyes. And he is not the only one Iâm hiding from; friends that I abandoned for a long time are on the premises. Most of them are mad at me. After some heartbreaking event in my life five years ago, I packed a box in the middle of the night and moved to another city where nobody knew me. I cut off communication for the first three years and when I finally reconnected with everyone, I did so meagerly. Social media was off limits for me and whenever any of my friends popped into town and suggested visiting me, I often gave one silly excuse or the other.
Now I am back, quietly, as I had left. I am not expecting a heroâs welcome. Only Bobby would be glad to see me. He is still my closest friend and the only one with whom Iâve kept the line open. He is going to be upset about my showing up late and would think I opted out of wearing the Armani shirt he bought for me. I have chosen a Ralph Lauren in its place and it is shades off the yellow and grey theme of the wedding.
I lower my head as Bobby and his wife approach. Bobby, the ever-jovial fatso delights the crowd with his clownish dance moves. I am missing the show, but I dare not raise my head. As I count the seconds, waiting for the procession to be over quickly, I feel a heavy knock at the back of my head that sends a shooting pain down my spine. I jolt up. It is Bobby. He has stopped in his tracks and is staring at me with the heaviest of frowns.
âHey, BobbyâŚâ
He doesnât let me finish as he picks up where he left off and dances past me with his wife. Following closely behind them are my friends. They have all seen me. Their reaction surprises me as all I get are smiles.
Looks like itâs going to be a good day after all.
I wait for the bridal procession and a good number of people to leave the church before I find my way out. Itâs a fine weather outside. No sunshine, no rainfall. Just a cool draft of air blowing in all directions. The crowd that has just exited the church is scattered around the premises in clusters of yellow and grey. The place looks lively and I am affected by the contagious spirit of happiness. I hear laughter behind me and I turn. A group of bridesmaids is smitten by some dude who has just announced his coming with a sleek ride. He is the ladiesâ man type, and they seem to know him.
I smile at the scene and breathe in the air. This is my town; I have missed this place. It feels good to be home. Wait till my mother finds out her favorite son has returned. Surely, sheâll slaughter the fattened calf. Iâm glad sheâs not in town presently. I can use the short time fixing up my new apartment before she returns and my freedom is taken away.
âJide!â a familiar female voice calls and I turn, only to be smothered with a hug from one of my closest friends. I hold her and warm memories fill my head. I used to love this girl to death. I still do.
âMary.â
âYou came,â she says, looking into my eyes. I know she is about to get emotional.
âDonât,â I warn her with a finger, but Iâm too late. Tears fill her eyes.
âI didnât just come for the wedding. Iâm back for good.â
My statement has a positive effect on her. A smile fills her round cheeks. âFor real?â
I nod. She hugs me again. This time, she lingers.
âMary, Iâm sorry.â
It is my first sorry for the day. More are to come.
She frees me and hits me weakly. âDonât ever leave me again.â
âI wonât.â
Our moment is broken by the appearance of a couple of my friendsâ wives and their kids. There are hugs and introductions to children Iâm meeting for the first time. They leave after I promise to visit them. More people recognize me and stop by with their âlongest time!â âWhere have you been?â âYou dey so?â greetings. So much for slipping back into town quietly.
âBobby and the guys are looking for you.â Mary takes my hand after everyone is gone. âCome.â
She drags me to one side of the building where my guys are. Bobby and his wife are seated in a car. Bobby has his legs out of the car, talking to our mutual friends. I hear a round of laughter that breaks off when they spot me.
âJydo!â Ibro greets me first. He is the richest in our clique. A northerner with a taste for southern women. He is married to two of them.
âMutumi na!â I greet back with a slap on his palm that passes for a handshake and a pat on the back for a hug. I face the othersâShadrach, Reno and Bright. They are glad to see me. All beef squashed.
They throw in some light questions about my welfare and the town Iâd just left. I tell them all is well.
âBut Jydo, the Bridemaker gist na true abi na just scopes you dey use enter chicks?â
A smile crumples my lips when Renoâs question hits me. I look at their faces and realize itâs a question they all want an answer to, a question I was hoping no one would bring up.
âAnswer nau.â Mary nudges me.
âCome on, guys,â I speak up, âon this blessed of days? Haba mana? At least let Bobby introduce his wife to me first.â
And that is how I escape the Bridemaker gist. But Iâll share it with you.
Fable has it that any girl that sleeps with me ends up getting married shortly afterwards. To be frank, I donât know how it started or who started it, but I can swear on my life that it is real. I didnât believe it at first, but when a colleague at work pointed it out to me and we sat down and took inventory of the girls I had bedded and how all of them were married, I knew it was no longer a joke. I was ecstatic at first. More chicks to shag for free. No commitments, no hassles. Just go in, hit it and get out.
It was fun for a while until the lonely nights became hollow and scary. Iâd be in bed with a woman and it would feel like lying on a deserted highway in the middle of the night. In addition, I met crazy women who lost it if they didnât get married as quickly as they wanted. Theyâd haunt me and fight me. It was at that point I was dubbed the Bridemaker.
Men envied me, women just wanted to sleep with me. And there I was, in the center of it all, unable to stop myself from engaging in carnal pleasures. It felt as though I had been cursed.
Nobody had to tell me to leave that town and come back to family and friends. Iâm turning a new leaf now. I have buried the Bridemaker.
âKate, meet Jideofor,â Bobby introduces his wife. I bend my tall frame into the limo and extend a hand to Kate as Bobby stands and gives me some space.
âOur wife,â I address her as she places her hand in mine and I kiss it with a bit of theatrical flair.
âEhn-ehn o!â Bobby objects. âNot our wife. My wife.â
âOkay, sorry. My wife,â I correct myself. The brideâs face lights up shyly. I have just discovered she is a virgin. Donât ask me how I know. I just do.
âNice to meet you, maâam,â I tell her and straighten up. âYou have a good man here.â I tap my best friendâs shoulder. âHave no fears. But if he misbehaves, just give me a call and Iâll set him right. A left uppercut always puts his brain in order.â
She smiles again. That virgin smile that makes me look at Bobby with a question in my eyes. He reads me and laughs.
âNo mind am,â Shady comments.
We tease Bobby for a while, using terms the wife cannot decipher. She just sits there with her maid of honor, smiling politely at us. A crowd that has just discovered where the bride and groom are hidden is making its way to us. Itâs time to leave.
âNice to meet you, Kate.â
âSame here.â
âKate, Mommy is here,â Bobby announces the coming of his mother and launches off into Yoruba with the old woman. When I turn and see her, I lie prostrate to the ground.
âAh, Olajide!â she calls me. âYou are back.â
âYes ma.â I rise up and hug her. My friends snigger behind us. After all these years, the old woman still doesnât know Iâm Igbo. I donât blame her. She has never met my parents before and secondly, I come off more Yoruba than her son.
With a concerned expression, she asks me why my parents are not at the wedding. I tell her that my mother is out of the country and my dad is recuperating from a stroke. The second part is a lie. The old man is just being the grouch that he is. He made it clear to me over the phone that he wonât show up for Bobbyâs wedding because it would be an embarrassment for him, seeing as his own son is yet unmarried and has no plans to do so.
I tire for the man. He has an older son that is married. Wetin come concern him with my own life?
And itâs not as if I donât want to get married. I do. But I havenât found the one yet. ClichĂŠ as that may sound, itâs the truth. All my close friends are married, Bobby being the last to walk down the aisle. My life is going to be shitty from now on. I will be the butt-end of their jokes. They and their wives are going to pair me with all sorts of women and Iâll be left out of family outings and such. When theyâre talking about school fees, sexless wives and family planning, Iâll be brooding in a corner like an idiot.
Like I said, Iâm happy to be back.
â           â           â           â           â
I am excited!!!!! Yaaay!
Nice read!
More inspiration to your mind.
Thank you, Brytnex
Hmmm Jideofor u don enter am o.
No be small tin
I guess we are in for a thriller…bring it on Ms Sally ‘m getting so excited already. Thanks for this new breath of fresh air. I guess it’s d season of change after all.?
Lol! It is
This is good!
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We are waiting…..
This is going to be awesome.
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you really got me there, “her legs spread open” and ” The door flings in and this Goliath-like creature
charges into the room with fire in his eyes.” My head had gone far… I’m already feeling it.
Hahaha! You have a dirty mind, Prince.
Sally am loving it already
Thank you
Already loving this!!!!!!!!
I’m glad you are
Sally has come Yaaaay…excited about this one very interesting and long yea…
I’m excited too
*Rolling up my sleeves* let’s get this started!! Oh. This is going To be a fun read.
Roll your sleeves well o
I’m captivated already!
Nice piece.
It’s gonna be an enjoyable ride with this piece!!!
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I gat me dere, which kind ring tone b dis wey she dey give. lolz. dis is going 2 b a fun ride. am allready feeling d story. Sally is d best. take it or have it.
Thanks, Wasmakelly
Nice write up as always. I cant wait for Boys with toys ebook o, na me go buy am first
I’ll inform you when it hits the market
Been waiting for boys with toys all week……….now….attention diverted…thumbs up ma’am…chilling for the next episode.
Awww, Boys With Toys needs more than the attention i’m giving it because of the complicated characters and all.
And you guys deserve the best
Hmmmm! Olajide-Jideofor, Jide na Jide o! And am already loving this Jide! Bridesmaker! Indeed! Sally I think I also want to borrow your head, it’ll be nice to have it on for a while! #justsayingo#
Come and take, my dear. I will happily give you the head (erm…hope that didn’t come out wrong)
Another one! Dancing! thanks,Sal. how baby?
Baby is fine, luv
thanks!
I stand by my promise to buy anything from you that goes on sale. Please keep me in the loop as regards Boy With Toys e-book.
This is going to be another fantastic serial. I’m in all the way.
God bless the work of your hands Sally.
Thanks, Seye.
You are always here for me and i appreciate, gaan!
I’m super excited… this story sounds really promising. Thanks sally.
You’re always welcome
I am excited already!! Let me start reading asap. Thanks Sally
and thanks aswell
Hmmmm im excited about this series.
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Very interesting but wen will boys with toys be available on okadabooks
When it’s ready i’ll let you know
Nice as usual
thanks!
Loving it already <3,cant wait to read more. Please Sally keep me posted on Boys with Toys e-book.
Loving it already:-),pls Sally, keep me posted on Boys with Toys e-book. Thanks.
Sure, girl
aunty sally oo. i want to write like u
*enters shy mode*
loving this already….!
Thanks, Bunmi
Okay, I’m enjoying this so much already. When I got to the end, it felt like I’d been cut off from my supply of oxygen. You’re always on point ma’am. About Boys with Toys, I’m glad you’ll be getting aid for that story.
Okay, I’m enjoying this so much already. When I got to the end, it felt like I’d been cut off from my supply of oxygen. You’re always on point ma’am. About Boys with Toys, I’m glad you’ll be getting paid for that story.
Thanks, dear.
God bless!
Awww,Sally….you write so beautifully
I can’t wait for boys with toys to be out as e-book
And ermmm,i think there’s still another e-book pending….fish brain…..i think the last book in the trilogy
Am glad you and baby are doing great….hugs for Kayla….now she gets to act bigsis
Stay blessed
Hmmmmmmmmmm. *pulling up a chair 2 balance well*
Sally….One day u are a doctor,the other u r a sexy girl in her 20’s and then u transform into d mind of a man.U just keep blowing my mind with ur amazing stories.Can I borrow ur mind 4 a day?
Great piece. a beautiful way to start this ride.
Weldone ma, pls when boys with toy is out pls notify me
Oh, yea! oh yea! ON to the next one!
Ghen gehn. Me I am just starting. Better late to the party than to miss it entirely.
Sally u kne ehn wen i saw dis last yr i ddnt want to read it yet so dat i can read dem all togeda nd wen i startd? u twisted my mind nd i knw i ll b hooked until i read o d end, u sabi tumble my mind Welldone sally
Sally u kne ehn wen i saw dis last yr i ddnt want to read it yet so dat i can read dem all togeda nd wen i startd? u twisted my mind nd i knw i ll b hooked until i read o d end, u sabi tumble my mind Welldone sally. I ll savour evry bit of dis series