This post is dedicated to Mariam and Cheyi, two beautiful mothers who just recently had their babies.
Congratulations, mamas!
โTola, can you concentrate and start pushing?โ
Doctor Omotola Adeniyi Onuora is officially the most annoying patient Iโve ever had to deal with. And I canโt show my annoyance because family.
She is about to have her baby and some members of the family are here. Tola invited them and others for the birth of her son. Even some strange faces I have never seen before are present. She says they are her cousins. Thereโs one wearing a white garment, going about and sprinkling some weird water around the VIP birthing unit. I have had to send everyone out, leaving Nne and Elsie with us. Without them, I would have lost my mind.
โTola, stop cussing and push this boy out nau.โ
โJidenna, take it easy,โ my mom chides me gently. Iโm also mad at her. Sheโs the reason Iโm here. It is she who drags me from my house to this place to poke my fingers into my brotherโs wifeโs vagina, a place I said Iโd never go into again even if a gun is put to my head.
Rewind to three hours ago. Iโm just returning home from work and Iโm accosted by Honey at the door as she asks me who Amata is. The question shocks me but I present a confused face.
โAmata?โ I ask.
She folds her arms. Her eyes have gone crazy like that time she went on a punishment spree.
โWho told you about Amata?โ
โIt doesnโt matter.โ
I snort. โAmata doesnโt matter then.โ
I move and Honey blocks me. โWhoโs playing with you, Onuora?โ
โHian. You want to fight me?โ
โYou have no idea what youโve done, have you?โ
I drop my gaze on Honeyโs breasts, bursting out from the cleavage of her negligee. I find pointed nipples pushing forward. I donโt plan to get distracted but I do.
โAmata is the chick I slept with in Zanzibar. Satisfied?โ I lift my eyes to look into hers.
โIs that all?โ
โWe had a condom malfunction and I sort of came inside her.โ
โSort of?โ
โI came inside her.โ
โIs that all?โ
โAnd I forgot about it until she showed up from nowhere with a baby that looks like Jiney. I was worried that she could be mine, so I begged her to let us do a DNA test on the baby, which she agreed to and we did a couple of days back. The result comes out tomorrow.โ
โThatโs all?โ
โThatโs all.โ
Honey flashes her phone in my face, showing me pictures of a house that has clothes and boxes strewn outside it. The last picture is of Amataโs baby, sitting on an infant mattress surrounded by the clothes.
โWhatโs this?โ
โIโm not done.โ
Honey shows me a series of chat messages she had with Amata which basically corroborates my version of the story but the following lines get me:
-Someone in that hospital that knows me saw me and went to tell my husband that I came for a DNA test with another man
-Now Iโm kicked out of my house. My marriage is finished. Jide has finished me
I go weak and slump down on the armrest of one of the couches.
โShe called me this afternoon and told me everything. She was crying on the phone, Jide. She said you wouldnโt pick her calls or answer her messages.โ
โFuck.โ
โWhy did you do this? Why did you sleep with her in the first place? Why have you destroyed her marriage?โ
Honey is crying. I would hold and comfort her if my thought faculties are alright. But right now, I donโt even know how to start processing the many different thoughts in my head.
I want to defend my actions. I want to tell Honey Iโm sorry. I want to express how much I regret that stupid night in Zanzibar. I want to call Amata and make things right with her. I want to slap myself a thousand times.
โSheโs in the guestroom, staying for the night. Tomorrow, Iโll put her in a hotel. Well done, Jideofor.โ Honey begins to walk away but stops. โTry not to fuck her while youโre at it.โ
I keep my eyes on her until she disappears. I sit in the living room, thinking of a million ways to say Iโm sorry. But none of them looks easy. I stand up, eventually, and walk to the guestroom and knock at the door.
โCome in.โ
I enter. Amata is seated on a couch resting underneath one of the windows. Her baby is asleep on the bed. Her belongings are arranged before the wardrobe. I see a tray of untouched food on the floor.
โWhatever it is you want to say that cannot undo my husband kicking me out and calling me a whore, please keep it to yourself.โ
โAmata, Iโm so sorry.โ
โI begged you, Jide. I begged you.โ
โIโm sorry.โ
โHe said that even if the DNA proves that Angel is his baby, heโs not taking me back. That he would divorce me and still take her.โ
Amata starts to weep. The sound is heart-wrenching. I remain by the door and try to soothe her with words.
โI will fix this, Amata. I promise you. I will.โ
โYou canโt. You have no idea how wicked my husband can be. No idea. He can even stab you if you go near him.โ
โCan I have his number?โ
โThatโs never going to happen.โ
โAmata, please. I need to fix this.โ
She looks at me for the first time since I walked in. โMy marriage is not a broken TV that you unscrew and fix! Itโs over for me! Youโve ruined everything!โ
โAmata, thereโs still a way out. Just give me his number.โ
โGoodnight, Jide.โ
โAmata, pleaseโฆโ
โGoodnight.โ
I step outside.
โI just want to let you know, thoughโฆโ
I stop.
โYour wife loves you and you owe her a huge one. I told her everything about us, in detail, just to hurt her, to make her feel the pain I was feeling. You know what she said to me? She said, โI already forgave him.โ And she added, โhis problem is now my problem and weโll get you out of thisโ. You owe her your life, Jide. Make things right with her.โ
I leave the room and go to Honey. I see her popping a mood stabilizer, something she hasnโt done in a long time. I take her hand, drag her to the bed, sit her down, and on my knees I beg her.
She cries dejectedly until my eyes fill with tears. โIโve already forgiven you, Jide. But why didnโt you just let the past remain where it was? Why dig it up? Why bring back painful memories?โ
โI was restless.โ
โThat child doesnโt look like Jiney! She is not yours, Jideofor! Sheโs not yours!โ
โI only wanted to be sure.โ
โAre you happy now? Are you happy that I have details of how you and Amata had sex? How you did the same things to her you used to do to me?โ
I bend my head in shame. Obviously, Amata missed out the part where I kept calling her โHonโ. But none of that matters right now. Whatโs important is this woman before me.
I rise up and sit beside her to put my arms around her.
โYou know I love you, right?โ
โThatโs why itโs so hard. I know you love me. If you didnโt, Iโd take back my forgiveness and let you suffer alone for your foolishness.โ
โIโve done so many stupid things in this life but none as stupid as that night in Zanzibar. I will spend forever making it up to you.โ
โLetโs just find a way to get Amata back to her husband, then we can talk about forever.โ
โIโm thinking up a fast planโฆโ
She interrupts me. โWhy didnโt you tell me about the DNA test, though?โ
โI didnโt want to upset you.โ
โBut did you think of what would have happened if it turned out that the baby was yours?โ
I have no answer for her.
โAnd if she wasnโt yours, you would have just quietly continued living your life as my husband abi?โ
โIโm sorry.โ
โI am highly disappointed, Jideofor. I feel like walking out of this door and leaving you but God will not let me.โ
I sigh.
โLetโs just handle this first and Iโll face you.โ
โI tried to get Amataโs husbandโs number from her but she wonโt let me. Iโll call her sisterโฆโ
โI have the number.โ
Honey pushes her phone towards me.
โHow did you get it?โ
โJust know that I can do anything I want to and leave no trace. Youโre not the only cruel person in this relationship.โ She stands. โIโve had a long day. Iโm going to shower.โ
Once sheโs out of earshot, I type out Amataโs husbandโs number on my phone and dial it. The man answers immediately.
โHello Mr. Onuora.โ
Sometimes I just hate Truecaller.
โGood evening, Mr. Bassey.โ
โI have been expecting your call.โ
Basseyโs voice is menacing. I donโt know if itโs natural or heโs just trying too hard.
โAnd I know why youโre calling,โ he continues. โYouโre trying to speak on behalf of that dirty prostitute who calls herself my wife.โ
โAmata, you mean?โ
โBy the way, is the DNA result out yet?โ
โNo, itโs not out yet. But before it comes out, I would like to fix an appointment with you for tomorrow. Any time you feel would be convenient for you.โ
โThis is the only convenient time for me, sir. And I have one simple message for you. Actually, a simple solution to all of this.โ He laughs and it irks me.
โWhatโs the solution?โ
โI will take Amata back, whether the baby is mine or not, only under one condition.โ
โWhat condition?โ
โA night with your beautiful wife.โ
I squint in instant anger.
โJust so that we are even.โ
โAre you out of your mind?โ I retort.
He laughs again. โThatโs the condition. I do to you as you did to me.โ
โI did not sleep with your wife. Amata was single, as I was, when we metโฆโ
โKeep preaching to the choir, oga.โ
I cut him off and fling the phone on the bed. I go for a can of beer in the kitchen where I stay and ponder on other options that can get Amata out of her mess.
I chug down the can of beer and pick another. I walk back to the room just as Honey is stepping into it from the bathroom.
โYou called him?โ she asks, drying her body with a towel.
โYeah.โ
โWhat did he say?โ
โWeโll have a meeting tomorrow and iron things out.โ
Thereโs no way I can repeat the words he told me to her. I canโt stand to see her cry again.
โLetโs go to bed.โ
I stretch my hand to her. She comes to me and I wrap her in the towel until sheโs dry.
โI donโt want you to worry about this issue, sugar lips.โ
โHow can you say that?โ
โJust do me a favor and concentrate on your work at the office and on Jiney. This is my mess and I will clean it up. Please, trust me.โ
She nods slowly. Her mood stabilizer has kicked in, leaving her drowsy. I try to kiss her but she wonโt let me. I tuck her in bed and just as her eyes are shutting, her phone rings.
She groans. โAn Onuora is calling.โ
Honey is the only one I know who assigns ringtones for different groups of people.
โPlease, pass the phone.โ
I reach for the distracting device on the nightstand and pass it to her.
โItโs Tola.โ
She taps on the answer button. โTola, itโs 11pm,โ she grumbles.
I hear Tola faintly in the background.
โAre you serious?โ Honey sits up. โYouโre in labor right now?โ
I frown, sensing where this conversation is heading.
โHold on, let me put Jide on.โ
I shake my head vehemently at Honey.
โDede?โ Tolaโs voice comes on.
โHey, Tola.โ
โI need you.โ
I eye Honey.
โYou need me? I donโt do dirty talk.โ
โDede, Iโm in labor and Doctor Freeman who is handling me has mysteriously disappeared. Please, come and help me get this baby out of my vagina. I feel like dying!โ She moans.
โTola, Hauwa is on the night shiftโฆโ
โI donโt want Hauwa!โ she screams.
โOkay, easy there. Just breathe and try not to think evil thoughts. Everything is going to be fine. There are three other professional midwives in that hospitalโฆโ
โJide, pleaseโฆโ
โNo, Tola. The reason I refused to handle your antenatal is the same reason I will not assist your birth. Youโre on your own.โ
She starts to cry and the next thing I hear is Nneโs voice.
โItโs as if something is wrong with your head, Jidechi,โ she says in Igbo.
Fuck.
โGet up from that bed and rush down here before I lose my temper.โ
โYes, ma.โ
I hang up and give Honey an apologetic smile.
โNaa, Tolaโs family. Please, go. And tell her Iโm too tired. Iโll see her in the morning. Take pictures too.โ
Iโm permitted to sneak in a little kiss before I leave. I head straight to the hospital in a bad mood that worsens when I meet a frustrating Tola who refuses to cooperate with the midwife who is handling her.
โPutting an IV line was hell, she screams every time I try to do a pelvic sweep, she uses swear words, she has threatened to fire me three times now, after sending away every nurse that comes to check on her. She even vomited on me!โ
The woman is close to tears.
โJust get someone to assist me,โ I say to her. โIโm taking over. You can go home.โ
โThank you, sir.โ She curtsies, handing me Tolaโs chart.
The moment I make my entrance into the VIP birthing unit of the hospital, I tell myself I am ready for whatever. But an hour later, with a cussing pregzilla who keeps screaming at me, I feel myself losing my mind.
โOmotola, push my baby out nau,โ Nne begs.
โNne, itโs too painful! Jesus!โ
I breathe out in frustration before deciding to deactivate my brother-in-law mode and take her on as I would any other patient.
โLook at me, Tola.โ
โMex is not here!โ she cries.
โHe traveled. You know that. Now, stop crying and look at me. Itโs Jide talking to you.โ
She sniffles, simmering down.
โI know it hurts and I know youโre aware of how big this baby is…โ
โI shouldnโt have eaten so much. Doctor Freeman warned me.โ
โItโs fine. Itโs fine. I just want you to also know that you can do this. Okay?โ
โArgh!โ She pushes without me prompting. Itโs not like she can help it. The baby is bearing down already.
โFuck! It hurts! I canโt! I canโt! I canโtโฆโ
โYou can.โ
I give her a break and urge her to push again. She screams out and the babyโs head comes out.
โThank you, Jesus,โ Nne sighs.
โNow, one last push.โ
โOkay, okay.โ She holds Elsie tightly on one hand and the assisting midwife on the other and gives it a try.
I feel my tummy toss. Things donโt look good for the baby; his shoulders are stuck and thereโs no amount of regular pushing that will get him out. I note the time as I place my hand beneath his head and call the midwife over. She gives it a look and diagnoses Shoulder Dystocia, verifying my analysis.
โWhatโs the matter?โ Tola probes. I whisper into the nurseโs ear to get in an emergency team.
โDede?โ Tola calls as the nurse hurries away.
โMom, Elsie, please wait outside.โ
โIs everything okay?โ Nne asks.
โWhy wonโt my baby come out, Jide?โ
I gesture to my mom and Elsie to leave. They promptly obey as Hauwa bursts in.
โDystocia?โ she asks as she comes forward.
โYeah.โ
โDystocia?! Oh God! Oh God!โ Tola wails.
โMcRoberts or Gaskin?โ Hauwa hurriedly wears gloves.
โWeโll do Gaskin.โ
โMcRoberts, please!โ Tola begs.
Like the typical doctor she is, she chooses a more scientifically tested method to get stuck babies out. But Hauwa and I were educated by an American midwife who trained directly under Ina May Gaskin, a renowned midwife in the United States whose work gives pregnancy, childbirth and breastfeeding a soulful, spiritual point of view, different from the norm which is rather clinical. But she is most notable for using the Gaskin method to handle Shoulder Dystocia by having the mother go on all fours so that the shape of the pelvis changes and the stuck baby becomes easier to birth.
In my experience, though, sometimes all the mother needs is a little movement from either of her legs and the baby becomes unstuck. This is why I use the Gaskin method as it gets the mother off her ass and in a different position to speeds things up. Time is always of the essence. If the baby stays longer than five minutes, there is risk of brain damage; and this is why I have called for an emergency team. Cases like this can go from okay to fatal in seconds.
Tola is on all fours by now, helped by Hauwa.
โGod! It hurts!โ She lets out a scream. โDonโt let anything happen to my baby, Jide!โ
โNothing will happen to him, Tola. Itโs going to be over soon,โ I assure her. โThink of Majekodunmi. Youโre doing this for him. Both of you saved my life and Iโm not leaving this room until youโre both okay.โ
As I speak to her, I deliver the babyโs posterior shoulder without much stress.
โThat stupid Doctor Freeman just abandoned me! Argh! God will judge him!โ
I smile. Doctor Freeman is her late fatherโs partner and joint owner of the hospital. He is one of the best OBGYNs we have in Nigeria, but also a regular asshole. He has never liked Tola and Iโm not surprised that he handled her antenatal and left her when she needed him the most. He is known to be that imbecilic.
โOkay Mrs. Onuora,โ I say, โhere comes your baby.โ
The position Tolaโs in has encouraged a downward traction, helping me pull out the rest of the baby. He is birthed into the world, looking like a fatter version of Fumnanya.
The medical team I had called for bursts in just in time. An obstetrician takes over from me while a pediatrician handles the baby. Tola remains panicky as the babyโs general status is uncertain. He is alive but he has to be checked for any form of injuries and brain damage. As they rush him out to the neonatal unit next door, I liaise with the doctor and Hauwa to ensure Tola is well-attended to.
In the duration of an hour, after she has showered and changed into comfy clothes, ready to receive guests, her newborn is brought to her โ a perfect bundle of joy with no health complications.
Tola cradles him. โAkintunde,โ she coos, kissing his fingers. โYouโre so beautiful. They didnโt want you to come to this world but God is awesome.โ
I take pictures of them for my blog and Instagram. My mood has been lifted and I find myself falling for Akintunde. The medical team and I watch Tola pray and speak prophetic words to him. Itโs a bit of an emotional scene. Emeka wouldnโt have missed this for the world. He is expected back tomorrow. I know heโll be kicking himself wherever he is.
โDede, thank you.โ
I nod.
โGod will remove every complication in your life as you have done for me today. Nothing will take your joy away. God will bless you and Honey and Jiney and all the other babies youโll have. Honey will not pass through the pain I went through.โ
Thereโs a loud chorus of โamenโ from my colleagues. I give Tola a kiss on the forehead and also leave one for Akintunde. As I turn away, I hear her apologizing to those she had been nasty to earlier. When I step out, I throw open the doors for my family and hers to throng in.
I feel exhausted, so I sit on a waiting bench outside the unit to resume pondering on how to handle the Amata situation. Just as I sit, Emeka comes dashing in like heโs been running the Lagos marathon.
โGuy, how far? Progress?โ he inquires.
I smile. โTime of birth 12:18am. Weight 4.3kg. Mother and child are doing fine.โ
He breathes out. I give him some seconds to relax and collect himself.
โI was in PH when she called and said she was in labor. Right in the middle of a meeting. Omo, I gas leave there go airport. They said no flight. I had to take a bus, man. Whereโs everyone?โ
I point to the birthing suite.
โYou were in charge?โ
I nod.
โThanks, man.โ
โNo wahala.โ
He dashes in. I remain on the bench until one after the other, everyone leaves. Tola and Akintunde are now asleep and Emeka joins me outside. We go from discussing the birth of Akintunde to family responsibilities and how far we have come from being the teenage boys that loved to steal our momโs car to sneak out to parties at night. We also reminisce on our bachelor days and how reckless we used to be.
โI was just thinking the other day how easily I could have gotten something worse than claudia. I could caught HIV,โ Emeka recalls, rubbing his beard.
โOr ended up being shot by somebodyโs husband.โ
He shakes his head in a laugh. โKai!โ
โMans don grow up sha. We did enough damage.โ
โYes o. Na to dey watch our children now.โ
โThe way I will close-mark Fumnanya ehn!โ
โForget it. She go still spoil if she wan spoil.โ
I eye him, and in doing so, I spot Kalu coming towards us. In his manner of having a concentrated look on his face as if always ready for a serious talk, he looks up and smiles without showing teeth.
โIs our baby here yet?โ he asks.
โYes o,โ Emeka answers.
โCongratulations.โ
We shake hands and he goes in to see Elsie who is watching Tola. And as if prompted, Oba also shows up too.
โDonโt you people sleep in this family?โ I ask, checking the time. โItโs past three.โ
โNne woke me up.โ Oba hisses. โHow are Aunty Tola and the baby sha?โ
โGood.โ
โCongrats.โ
โThanks,โ Emeka answers.
โCan I go in and see them?โ
โTheyโre sleeping.โ
He dumps his weight in the space between us and keeps an ear to our conversation as we continue talking about our lives.
โI have a confession to make,โ he cuts us off at some point, โbut let me stand up first before Jide kills me.โ He jumps off the bench and faces us. Just as heโs about to speak, Kalu steps out. He nods a greeting in his direction. Kalu nods back.
โYour confession?โ I stare at him. He stares at Kalu.
โAm I supposed to go away?โ Kalu questions.
โYeah. This is not a spiritual confession.โ
โOkay.โ Kalu leaves his spot and takes Obaโs space on the bench. โNgwanu.โ
Oba rubs his hands together a couple of times, winches up his jeans, moves his weight from one foot to the other, clears his throat three times, straightens out his shirtโฆ
โCan you just get on with the fucking confession?โ Emeka demands.
โDidi and I had sex.โ
โWhat!โ Kalu exclaims. Thereโs brief silence and then Emeka bursts out laughing; and itโs not a funny laugh. Itโs an โI canโt believe youโre my brotherโ laugh. On my end, I show no reaction. Iโm not surprised at the news.
โWhen did this happen?โ Kalu asks.
โYesterday.โ
โYou disvirgined her?โ
โNo. No, I did not. Her ex did. I just sort of, tried to pick up from where the guy left off.โ
โYouโre a disgrace,โ Kalu says.
โSee why I didnโt want you here?โ
โIโm disappointed,โ I add.
โEven you?โ
โYou dey mad.โ
โShe wanted it. I didnโt force her.โ
โSo how did it go?โ Emeka asks. Kalu and I shoot him sharp looks.
โJust asking.โ
โTerrible,โ Oba answers. โThatโs why Iโm giving you the gist.โ
โDonโt you have any morals at all, young man?โ Kalu scolds him. โNdidiamaka is your sister.โ
โShe is not. And Iโve been mad stupid for her from the first day she came into my life.โ
โNo, youโre just stupid. If you felt anything for her, you wouldnโt have defiled her.โ
โDefiled?โ Oba makes a face. โWhatโs this guy talking about? De, what era are you coming from sef?โ
โIf you ask me that question again, youโll get a dirty slap.โ
โSo, how did it go?โ Emeka throws out his question again. โOn the scale of one to tenโฆ?โ
โTwo minutes.โ
โTwo?โ Emeka lifts up two fingers in the air and gawps at them as if theyโre strangers on his hand. โYou lasted two minutes?โ
โOr less sef. I donโt even know if it was up to. I go in there and next thing, Iโm nutting as fast as 911 answers to a call in a white neighborhood.โ
I donโt want to laugh. I really donโt want to but this shameless boy will not kill me. Emeka is already in stitches and Kalu has this look of amusement on his face. I donโt know when I let go. Oba, clearly, doesnโt think itโs hilarious. He continues.
โSo, Iโm like okay, itโs probably โcause it was the first round. I take a break, she goes for a shower. She comes back and we try it a second time andโฆโ
โThe same thing happens,โ Mex concludes. We fall apart in laughter again.
โDo you have premature ejaculation problem?โ Kalu probes.
โNo, I donโt have PE. Iโve never experienced it before.โ
โHow is she taking it?โ Mex asks.
โSheโs acting like everythingโs cool but my rep is blown. I donโt know what happened. I am not a one-minute guy. All the girls Iโve been with can testify.โ
โHallelujah!โ Emeka howls. Kalu shakes his head.
โI really donโt know how I screwed things up.โ
โYou want me to weigh in on this?โ Kalu swings back to his serious face.
Oba shrugs.
โFirst of all, youโre not supposed to be doing any of that nonsense until you get married.โ
โAre you for real?โ
โSecond, not to Ndidiamaka. Thatโs too close for comfort.โ
โIโm crazy about the chick. Why doesnโt anyone want to understand?โ
โBecause weโre all protective of her,โ I respond. โWe know that once you hit it, youโll dump her.โ
โWhy are you talking like this nau, De Jide? I really like her.โ
Kalu cuts in. โAnd thatโs my third point. Itโs probably because of what you feel for her that you messed up. Iโm guessing the other girls youโve been with were not romantically involved with you?โ
โNo. Apart from my secondary school babe, Didi is like the first real thing Iโm feeling.โ
โAnd you felt you needed to impress her?โ
โYes. And can you guys stop judging me and help me out here?โ
โGive your life to Jesus, face your career, get married and have legal sex.โ Kalu stands. โSee you boys later.โ
As he walks off, Oba reclaims his space on the bench.
โIโm not going to give you tips just so you can mess with Didiโs life,โ I make it clear.
โIโm not trying to hit and run, Jide.โ
I see that heโs getting frustrated.
โJust get sex off your mind for now. You were too quick to impress. Keep sex on the burner and bond on a platonic level.โ
โBut weโll eventually do it.โ
โYes you will. When the time comes, Iโm sure it wonโt repeat itself but just to be sure it doesnโt, use a condom. Did you use a condom?โ
He shakes his head. Emeka smacks it. โAre you a fool? You wan give the girl belle ni?โ
โWe didnโt have condoms with us.โ
โThen donโt knack!โ
โGot that. Jide, you were saying?โ
โUse the start and stop method. Think of other things while doing it. Just generally have fun. If you get your mind off sex when youโre with her and just simply enjoy her company, the sex will be great eventually.โ
โNow, itโs how to face her again. I dey shame.โ
โSheโs probably not taking it as seriously as you are,โ Emeka tells him. โJust do as you were doing before. Donโt talk about it unless she wants to. And if she does, then you shouldnโt act like itโs a big deal. Tell her itโs never happened before and the only reason it did was because she was special.โ
Oba nods.
โObasi,โ I call, โyou and Ndidi are adults. I respect that. You can do whatever. Iโve lifted your hands off your matter but I beg of you, for the longest time, please keep whatever is going between you two away from Nne. If she catches headache because of it, youโll have me to face.โ
He nods. I stand up. โI don tire. I dey go house.โ
I shake hands with them and leave the hospital. Honey is still asleep when I get home. I slip in beside her, careful not to wake her up, but in habit, she turns around and snuggles into me. I stay awake, thinking of how Iโm going to spend my entire life, protecting her from hurt. I say an amen to Tolaโs prayer and shut my eyes.
โโโโย โโโโย โโโโ
I get a Whatsapp message from Oba as early as 6am, informing me that Aunty Tola has had her baby. Akintunde, he calls him. I also get a picture that leaves me โawwwingโ.
โHeโs so cute,โ I show the picture to the guy I spent the night with. Heโs lying face down on a couch, shirtless in taut muscles.
โMmm,โ he mumbles and turns his head away. I tap him.
โOya get up. Time to go.โ
โHaba nau.โ
โItโs morning.โ
He lifts his head. โItโs still dark.โ
โItโs going to be dark until seven oโclock, uncle. Come and be going abeg.โ
โYouโre cold o. We had a fabulous night but you kick me out the morning after without flinching.โ
I pick his shirt and fling it at him. He dumps the shirt back on the floor. I donโt have energy for any drama. I leave him in the living room and respond to the call of nature in my bathroom. When I come back some thirty minutes later, he is awake and set to go. At the same time, someone is knocking on the door.
Iโm thinking that maybe itโs Ehi or one of the other housemates who didnโt spend the night in the house. But when I open the door, I see Oba standing outside, holding a single rose, his face and nose hidden behind it.
โIs it too early for Valentineโs?โ
I think he looks cute. The white t-shirt he has on, like every other white thing he wears, gives him this boyish appearance. And it seems Iโm totally into boys these days.
I take the rose from him. He moves forward, making to lean over and kiss me, but my companion for the night comes into view. Bare-chested, he pulls me into a squeezing hug, sighs a little and thanks me for last night.
With his shirt slung over his shoulder, he walks away, leaving Oba stunned.
โWho was that?โ he demands.
I donโt give an answer immediately, but ย the guy that just left is Kadiri or Kadi as we call him in the office. He works in the dรฉcor department and we have been occupied with putting together dรฉcor details for Lexus Ditorusinโs wedding. Last night, I took him out for a drink because it was his birthday and having recently been dumped by his girlfriend, he had no one to celebrate with. He had too much to drink, so I brought him over to mine. The cab driver had to literally carry him and dump him on the couch while I enjoyed my bed alone.
I should tell Oba all of this but I get some perverse pleasure seeing him jealous.
โThatโs Kadi. We work together.โ
โHe slept here?โ
โYeah.โ
โHe spent the night with you?โ
โYeah.โ
โJust like that?โ
โWhy are you asking me all these questions, Nasty?โ
โSo because yesterday was awful, you hopped on the next guy?โ
I laugh. Oba has a way of getting angry too fast and diving headlong into conclusions. But thatโs just one of his few flaws. He has a sweet side, a side Iโve slowly grown to like over the past weeks. It is what partly pushed me to decide to give him the goods yesterday. That, and the fact that Nne has been on our case lately. Actually, that was the main reason.
Have you ever done something youโd rather not out of spite? Like, letโs say, you have sex just because you have been accused of doing it already, so, you go โwhateverโ and just do the darn thing?
Story of how my dysfunctional sex life with Oba begins.
It starts when we both get mad at Nne for accusing us of having sex in the family house because I spent the night there. I donโt shout back at her as Oba does. I simply apologize and leave the house. Minutes later, Oba pulls up beside me on the road. We drive to the Ditorusins where we convert all that anger into passion and have sex on one of the couches in the living room of the guesthouse.
Sex that doesnโt last more than two minutes before Oba cums.
โShit,โ he mutters. Being a novice in sexual matters, I donโt know what has just happened.
โWhatโs wrong? Why did you stop?โ
He is quiet. I begin to feel him slip out of me and then it hits me. โDid you just cum?โ
Embarrassed, he moves away.
โNasty?โ
โI came.โ He forces on a smile. โNot how I planned it. I guess Iโve been sex-starved for too long. And youโre tight as fuck too.โ
I blush. โItโs not a big deal,โ I tell him, although I had expected more than this. In fact, with the way he had gone on about his piping skills, I was hoping to experience my first ever orgasm from a man. I am disappointed.
He walks to the kitchen and returns with a bottle of water as I go to use the bathroom. I can tell that heโs still embarrassed. I am more concerned over the fact that we didnโt use a condom. I am sure of my health status. I donโt know about his.
I have a shower and step out to find him on my bed, occupied with his phone. This is the first time he is quiet in my presence.
โNasty?โ
โHmm?โ He looks at me shyly. Another first.
โWhat happened was not that serious na. Get your mind off it.โ
โI have. That first time was just me warming up, and being that itโs been quite a while, I got really excited. Right now, Iโm pumped for Round Two.โ
I relax. Beyond what just happened, thereโs something special about the way he kisses and touches me. Over the past few weeks we have developed a bond that has been watered by long walks, deep conversations and intense make-out sessions. Like I explained, I have discovered a soft and sensitive side of him that hardly shows. I have also come to accept the asshole in him, as there is no Oba without the nastiness. I canโt say we are exclusive and Iโm not really looking to have him as a boyfriend, but heโs someone I want to be intimate with. Heโs the only guy I trust.
โCome here,โ he calls me over. I walk to him and he drops my towel, exposing my nudity, stretchmarks, flabs, cellulite and all. He adores me as if Iโm the most beautiful woman he has ever seen. He pulls me to the bed where he lays over me and engages me in passionate foreplay. When he finally parts my legs open and enters me, it is because I beg for it and I feel like I am about to erupt. His strokes are deep and hard and it doesnโt take long for me to begin to shake. I feel an orgasm coming. My excitement canโt be contained. This would be the first of orgasms I would have via penetration. I feel blessed. I know that few women hardly ever get this.
And hence, I squeeze shut my eyes and wait for it to come. But without warning, Oba pulls out of me and clamps his hand on his dick.
I lift myself and rest my weight on my elbows. Again, I have no idea what is happening until he cusses and dashes into the bathroom. I slump back in frustration.
He returns to me shortly. โDidi, Iโm so sorry. What just happened has never ever happened to me before. Iโm shocked. I am not a one-minute guy. I swear. Even my first time was not this bad. I donโt know what went wrong. My ex must have sworn for me.โ
I feel sorry for him. I am double-disappointed but I tell myself itโs fine.
โYou believe me, right?โ
โI do.โ
โI have mad piping skills, I swear.โ
โCan you stop swearing?โ
โItโs on your face. You think I suck.โ
I donโt refute his words.
โYouโre silent. Thatโs even worse.โ
โOba, itโs okay. I guess we were both overly excited. We should just cool off sex for a while and hang out.โ
โIโm tired of hanging out. I want to smash.โ
I get off the bed. โWell, thatโs not working out well right now.โ
โOkay. So, can I give you head?โ
โNo.โ
โPlease?โ
โNo, Obasi.โ
I pick a dress from my wardrobe. โLetโs just not think about sex for now. And I think that maybe you should go to work. Donโt be lazy like me.โ
I see hurt in his eyes. He walks to the bed and picks his clothes. Thereโs awkward silence as he dresses up and I watch him. After heโs through, he tells me heโs leaving. I go over to him. He holds me tightly.
โDonโt dump me. Please.โ
I pull back. โIโm not your girlfriend, Oba.โ
โOh?โ
I look away.
โAiit. See you later.โ
I feel terrible for my words but the truth is we havenโt officially spelled out what it is we have. I donโt want to commit myself to someone on the basis of sex alone. Sex that is not even good.
I walk him to the door and he leaves. We donโt even hug.
And here we are again โ him being upset over a baseless insinuation and me laughing inside my head because I enjoy seeing him jealous.
He is glaring at me hard as we stand facing each other at the door. And I’m just there,ย thirst-trapping him with my body.
โSo, Kadi fucked you well, right?โ
โCan you just stop talking, Obasi?โ
โLook at how youโre dressed. Thereโs no difference between you and all those skanky, horny-as-fuck Lagos girls that jump from dick to dick.โ
โStop talking.โ
โFuck you.โ
He turns around and marches off. I watch him leave. It would be good to call him back and correct his thinking with a slap and a kiss but the boy is too infantile and Iโm going to sit this one out until he calms down and retraces his steps back to me.
Iโm going to enjoying playing with him. I just hope he doesnโt go and do something stupid to prove a point.
ยฉSally @moskedapages
Images:ย Indiana Public Media, paulateles,ย Dissolve,ย BabyGaga.com
Thanks Sally for this amazing val gift and new week tonic
It is my pleasure, Willy
Jidenna, didn’t we warn you! Didn’t we warn you
I swear, I hate the way he makes Honey cry. But at the same time no one loves her like he does. Their love is so strong, that’s why it’ll last.
God give me the heart to love my future husband like Honey
Thank you Sally
Happy Valentines ?????
Happy Vals to you too, Rida
My love to your future hubby ๐
Congrats to Tola! Thanking God for the bundle of joy! Kindly tell mr bassey to respect himself and hope the DNA tests is negative. Thanks madam Sally for this episode mwah
I hope so too, Cheyi
Thank you
Honey n jide.. Aw aw… Thanks Sal
You’re welcome, dear
Obasi and ndidi premarital sex is a sin and punishable by death. Stop it. Well done Sally, My regards to ur family….
lol! @punishable by death
My regards to your family as well, Mrs Tony
Yeeehhh Sally, so worth the wait Congrats to Tola and Welcome baby Akintunde am glad things went good. Hhhmmmmmmmm Oba & Didi l knew they will be this naughty as Oba had been going about the starved sex hope they use their heads on time b/4 it’s late. Jidechi Will solve his issue out but wonder why Honey should be aware of this mess. Thanks Sally for this Selfless love ??????
Always my pleasure, Bi
Jide messed up. Sometimes it’s good to let sleeping dogs lie. He has gone to step on the cobra’s tail
Umm. Obasi better calm dowm, your rep is still at stake here.
What makes Mr bassey think Honey will agree.
Weldone jare Sally.
Thank you, Dotun
Happy Vals!
Interesting?….thanks Sally
Thanks Sally, it was an interesting read. Happy Val to you.
Thank you Sally – this was really nice and interesting with loads of twists and turns – as u do!! Looking forward to the next episode.
Jide just had to ruin everything. Mr Bassey isnt a serious man. Oba and Didi shouldnt be together…..they are still siblings in my head.
thank you Sal. Happy valentine
Oh dear Sally, the doctor in me is very pleased with this episode. But 4.3kg?? Choi!
Awwwww Sally thanks a lot for the shout out. You already know I have mad love for you????? your attention to details amazes me. The authority you have on certain subjects you write about blows my mind. I guess that’s what makes you truly exceptional. Learnt a think or two from today’s episode *wink!
Congratulation Tola on ur bundle of joy. Jideofor, plz find a way of clearing ur mess n do straighten Amata life o cos u don pour san san inside her garri o. N I do hoped u wud stop making Honey unhappy. Obasi n his Ndidi wif dia childishness n I prayed dat Obasi wud stop been nasty n focused ahead of himsef. Tanks Sally
Uncle olajideofor see what you haff caused now but i know you will do something about, congrats to tola. Thanks mam sally
Thanks Sally for this amazing episode
Much love
Akintunde ??? aw will Jideofor get out of this now? I’m just so glad I dnt have to wait so long ???
She has done it again!!!! oya let me come and go and read now …… God bless Sally 4 me.
So worth the wait. I can’t understand this Oba and Didi’s thingy. Mr Bassey please right your brain okay. Thanks Sally.
Aunty Sally, I was the one asking u on twitter if you had moved to another site o… but this episode was totally worth the wait
Jideofor Onuora #WehdoneSir ? trouble dey sleep, yanga go wake am ?
I really love the attention to details in this episode coz I’m a doctor….good job on that. ?
I’m not even going to comment on Didi and Oba coz since their play play started, I figured it was a bad idea…..it’s too close for comfort…if it ends badly, it puts a strain on an already strained relationship.
once again, thank you Sally ?
I know sally to be a kind person, i hate to see mu jideofor in a mess, and i mean it
Aunty Sally tenkiu very much for this wanderful vals special gift, I appreciate ma…Jideofor wehdone sir, congrats Tola. Obasi n Ndidi wehdone wehdone.
Actually, I love Oba and Didi. I don’t know what everyone else is sayibg
Every couple in this series seems to get it right, especially with maturity but Oba and Didi are Unapologetically immature and that’s different. The problem with that is not the sibling thing. They never had that going on. Didi has it with Jide, not Oba. Their problem is that they are both afraid to fail in love and i think Jides advice will work for them. They should have fun and forget sex
Congrats to tola, Maryam and cheyi
Sally you rock
Congratulations to all the new Mothers, Maryam, Cheyi and our Darling Fictitious Mrs. Emeka Onuora.
Jide, when you didnt let the sleeping dog to lie, you see yourself. Causing Honey to remember the past and also causing Amata pain. I wish i can whoop your butt but I hope you find a way around this mess.
I believe strongly that Honey will be the one to resolve this and perchance be a friend to Amata. Honey has earned a big respect from me for even housing Amata, how many Women can allow this, not me i know.
I don’t mind Didi and Oba sincerely and like Jide advised, they should work towards building their friendship and leave sex for now.
Looking forward to Hauwa and Seyi, Ekene and Mary, Genesis and D Dom himself, Wura and Mymood, Lexus and Kasi. Infact all of them must show face in this Valentine special edition for today.
Thank you Sally,my very personal person.
Happy Valentines Day to you Sal and all Moskedapages fans.
Thank you for this episode Sally. Thank you for Sunday’s post too, for letting our fans know we’re still alive ๐
Jide effed up big time. I always say people are watching. No matter how much you’ve coded, someone has seen you and the day of reckoning cometh. See as he put Amata in trouble. I really hope this can be settled. One’s calmness in the face of some situations proves a lot about one. I like how Honey handled the issue. Sally sha dey give Honey top marks.
Great to have Tola deliver safely. That delivery portion was really educative. Thanks for that.
Oba and Ndidi ehn! Me I’m not bothered about how the big head did the thing. The fact that they didn’t use protection is the ish. What if Didi’s report card shows positive at the end of the day? The thing is a bit complicated jare.
Thanks once again Sally, happy Val’s day
Congrats Tola, she finally has her baby. Very interesting episode, thanks and happy Val.
Wow, Sally you leave me gobsmacked all the time. I love you.
bless you for this Sally. Truth is, even though it takes a while to deliver (reasons already explained) you always deliver lengthy and perfect piece. God bless the works of thy hands
Amen!
Thanks!
wow! am so happy for tola what a bundle of joy and happiness, hmm as for jide be careful how you cause honey pain oh… then oba am beginning to think that Didi is his real sister oh, dis kind of one minute sex.. i just hope my instincts isn’t right oh.. thanks Sally… i enjoyed the reading…. God bless you always….
Oba – not my favourite character (I’m fact, I think he’s a piece of shit), but I’m interested to see how this plays out. Oh, the dreaded one minute performance *shivers*
I am just reading this Sally, trust me if i had read before i would have commented.
This episode had me laffing my boxers out in this danfo that i am in right now. I send anybody? Sally cracks me up anyday anytime.
4.3 kg no be small o. I hope Tola does kegels before Mex would now be complaining that the cookie isnt sweet again.
Jidenna, nothing can stop you am all the way up! Since you have Honey support, this ish would solve itself out. The fact that your woman chose to stay by you even in your fuckup shows you have hope.
Oba and Didi, continiu! There is God. Pastor Rev Kalu would join you together in holy matrimony.
Amata presents a real life scenario in present naija. I hope the best happens. She can be more with or without her agbero husband jare.
Finally, Sally, more grease to your elbow. I hope i didnt write an epistle. Toodles
Sally thank you for yet another interesting episode. How are your kids doing? Do take care alright.