Test-the-Terone: The Stupid Maga

Long time ago when the world was filled with warriors, virgins and noble chaps, things were quite simple. Women stayed at home and took care of the children while men toiled the fields to bring home the bread. It was unheard of for a man not to take care of his woman. She was his load, his responsibility, his cross, and he was to do his duties without any complaints. Any man who couldn’t fit into this type of living was not considered a man.

Now fast-forward to the age of enlightenment where women discovered independence and took the reins of their own existence off the hands of men. It was a time of single mothers who paid their own bills, of feminists and proud lesbians, of married women who simply did not solely rely on their husbands for their daily bread and even little girls who beat up boys and made them cry. The average woman was aware of herself. The freedom she got for just being female and doing what she wanted was exhilarating. It was a man’s world but she was ruling her own part of it.

Okay, fast forward again to about just a few years after that and jump into our time. At this point, there are hardly men and women, just mostly bank figures and private parts. One demands, the other supplies and vice versa. In the wake of this, sugar daddies emerge—those moneybags that love to splurge on girls their daughter’s age. And there’s of course, the aristo and now, the maga! Not just a term used for that rich man who is about to be sucked dry, the recent definition of the maga goes something like this: a man who makes a living and has nothing better to do than lavish his earnings on a woman.

So it doesn’t matter if you’re a bank CEO or an okada rider, as long as you sustain a gold-digger’s lifeline, you’re a maga. Oh, I can hear you tell yourself that you’re too smart to be one. Well, let me surprise you by letting you know that every straight man has been a maga at one point in his life and might again fall into a gold-digging  female’s trap sometime in the future even if it is just for one night. After all, the most efficient gold-diggers are very capable of vacuuming you out before the sun rises. But if you’re still doubting if you’re a maga, these scenarios should help:

• You’ve been seeing this girl for a while but every time you’re apart, she never calls and when you complain about this to her, she pings you and goes like, ‘you know I don’t have money for credit, baby. Buy me credit and I will call you.’ You buy her the credit but she pings you and you call back… You’re a maga.
• You pay her for BIS, her hairdo, her nails, her NEPA bill, her groceries… You’re a maga.
• Every time you guys go out, you pay the bills and all she does is orders and bats her eyes at you and tells you how much of a gentleman you are and you feel really grownup with yourself…You’re a maga.
• She gives it to you good in bed and afterwards, tells you she’s broke. You’re thoughts are ‘she’s giving it. I’m getting it. Why the hell not?’… You’re a maga.
• Her mother is sick, her brother can’t afford to write WAEC because of the fees and their house rent just expired. You are her only salvation because her uncle who can help her is demanding for sex in return… You’re a maga.
• You ask her out on a date and she shows up with her vulture friends and they order everything on the menu plus takeaways and you don’t leave them there to wash plates and mop floors… You’re a maga.
• It’s her birthday. She wants a party; you want a quiet dinner. She bursts into tears and tells you that you don’t care about the most important day in her life and you give in… You’re a maga.
• Every time she wants to go out, she calls you to drop her off and pick her later but never wants to spend the in-between time with you… You’re a maga.
• She’s always getting pregnant and you’re always dolling out immense cash for D&C… You’re a maga.
• You buy her valentine gifts, she hugs you and plants a wet kiss on your lips and drives off in a bigger maga’s time capsule, leaving you eating Mai shayi because you are now dead broke…You’re a maga.     
• You do all her assignments and carry her books for her in school but she won’t even let you hold her hand or hang out with her friends…You’re an intellectual maga.          
• Her top –>Gucci. Her skirt–> Louis Vuitton. Her shoes –>Jimmy Choo. Her bag–> Prada. Her hair–>some nameless woman from India. Your bill –> 175k… You’re a maga.     
• She straight-up asks you for money and when you say no, she drops her clothes to the floor and you go like ‘baby, for you I will do anything’… You’re a maga.     
• You give her 50k but can’t even spare a lousy 2k for your friend who’s down on his ass…You’re a maga
• You give her all you have in your pocket to take a cab and you end up walking home… You’re a maga

I can hear someone saying ‘but she’s my girlfriend and we’ve been together for a whole year and she loves me!’ Oh, okay, sorry. My bad. I was under the impression that she has a paying job or means of living and handles her own bills and doesn’t need you to ‘constantly’ maintain her. See, naturally women love nice things and a good number of us who have good jobs believe that it is still a man’s duty to cater to our needs. Yeah, looks like we’re going back to that stone age of dependent women and trophy wives. Well, that’s gist for another day.

So now you’re convinced you have been a stupid maga, how do we get rid of this gold-digging, man-eating, virus-like creature in your life? it is very simple, as simple as giving her the boot without turning back but in case you love this girl and you know she feels the same but has her priorities misplaced, then the following (not so nice) steps can help you. Brethren, be ye warned, she is so going to hate thee.

• A gold-digger’s security is your means of living. As long as you have that job/ business that keeps the cash coming in, she will stick to you like a birthmark. So to start off, you can out of the blue, tell her you have been thinking about your life and you are seriously thinking of stopping to ‘smell the roses’ and that is why you want to change careers for a while and concentrate on your favorite hobbies like painting, music, photojournalism… Of course, you’re not serious about this but you have to act the part and seriously start showing signs that you’re ready for this change. If she is a gold-digger, she will bolt so fast, lightning will pale.
• When she asks for money, give her less. For example, she asks for 10k, give her 2k and tell her that times are hard and you are cutting down on expenses.
• If she asks you to take her out, tell her you’d rather sit in and watch Tinsel because you have been spending a lot of money lately. When you are sure her expression has turned sour, add that if she really wants to go out, she can pay the bills herself. Chances are she will sit in and tell what has been happening on Tinsel so far.
• When she asks for a new dress or shoes or one of those things we women ask for, tell her to choose between that and her birthday gift which would be a whole lot more. If she asks after her birthday, tell her to make a list for the next birthday.
• If you have been her go-to guy for freebies and other lend-a-hand offers apart from financial, stop those offers and next time she requires that she needs someone to fix her generator or drain, give her the number to a professional.
• Ask her for a loan. If she gives you, give her back and tell her you got it already from a friend. By so doing you know how much she can afford to give and how generous she can be If she refuses to give you the loan, tell her you always knew she was stingy and you were testing her.
• When she asks for money, refuse to give her but invite her to a charity event later on where you donate that same amount she asked for with a little more. If she brings your attention to this, look at her aghast and say ‘I can’t believe you’re even talking like this. Have you no heart?’ and watch her face drop. This particular move will either make her have a change of heart or show you how really selfish she is.
• Now for this last one which will make any gold-digger run for the hills. Go ahead, shock her to the bones. Begin to show signs that you’re really broke. Always never have enough money to pay the bills, ping and never call, deny yourself even the bare necessities, abandon luxuries like DSTV for months, visit her office/school/hang out joints on a bike by ditching your car and finally, tell her you will soon be moving to your friend’s place because you cannot pay the bills. Give a specific date for that and I assure you that she will be gone before that date is up.

On a concluding note, one thing that constantly gets magas is their pride. They don’t know how to swallow it and these ladies are aware of this and therefore milk them like crazy. If you really want to ditch a gold-digger, you have to forget your self-image for a very short while and exorcise her entirely from your life. However, if you have somehow managed through your life and haven’t yet encountered this specie of female (which means you’ve been living in Utopia), have no worries, she is easy to spot.

She wears the finest things and eats the finest meals in the finest restaurants but she has no future without your cash

No plans for tomorrow as if her father were Dangote and her mother, Oprah and she had a gold stash

She will always be eye-catching and make heads spin

She will also be unbelievable beneath the sheets

She might even talk about marriage and share your dreams but when you close your eyes to sleep

She’s wide awake, scheming, thinking of the next means

To plunge her gold-digging trowel into the mines of your hard work and sweat

And she won’t stop pillaging until nothing is left

Then like the mist she be gone

And now you be left with none…

Then she be pinging telling all her gals

Just sucked him dry…the stupid maga!

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